December 2012

Forgive me for sounding like the most unpatriotic, bubble bursting arsehole in the country… but I’m sick of hearing about the London 2012 Olympics…

Between George Osbourne trying to trick us into thinking that we’ve finally dragged ourselves out of this hideous recession, using figures based purely on money generated by the Olympic ticket sales… and that fabulous occasion where no less than six American Mummy bloggers “publicly blacklisted” me on Twitter after I dared to say that, seeing the Olympic girls wearing makeup on these panel shows, is much like seeing my old PE teacher wearing a dress at the Christmas assembly; awkward and creepy… I’ve very much had my fill of Olympic fever.

While we’re on the subject of panel shows… I’m all for these gold medalists milking their achievements; I mean, if I completed a jog around my block without passing out, wheezing heavily or having my doberman puppy knocking me over in frustration, I’d be raving about it at dinner parties for years to come. But having them appear on prime time panel shows to act as the, seemingly, one-dimensional bait for seasoned comedians – as they bite their medals like awkward bugs bunnies – is nothing less than cruel. And embarrassing.

I digress.

Long story short; I’m not going to rave on about the Olympic games, the “nation’s sweethearts” or, for that matter, the Queen’s anniversary do.

Instead, I’d like to showcase some of the more understated moments of 2012… and some of my personal favourites.

5. “You fucking leave them alone”

Favourite. Video. Ever. I have quite literally never seen a human being so passionate. In fact, I genuinely wish I was this bothered about anything… let alone the sex lives of two Hollywood stars. God, I wish she was my fan.

4. Naked Harry

I’m not a Royalist. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’ll take every extra bank holiday that comes my way… but I’m in no way a supporter of the Royal Family. That said, if I was to choose a Royal figurehead to go for a pint with,  it would have to be Harry. Ever since the incident with the inappropriate Nazi costume, I’ve always had a bit of a soft spot for him… so I was absolutely made up with the “naked billiards”, (although I should probably point out that I had no idea what billiards were until I Googled it; it’s called Pool where I come from – and probably a lot less civilized.) At the end of the day he’s young, in Vegas and a multi-millionaire… if he didn’t have the occasional “waking-up-on-Sunday-morning-and-realising-you’ve-ruined-your-life” hangover, I’d be very surprised.

3. Singing Obama

God, I love Barrack Obama. I think, Democrat or Republican, (or, in my case; English pervert) we can all agree that he’s very, very sexual. So I think it’s safe to say that, after hearing him crooing Sweet Home Chicago into that microphone… and actually being good, more children must have been conceived on that night than on any other in 2012. You can only image the sickening feeling of inadequacy that must have spread round Camp Romney after seeing the footage…

2. Amateur Art

As the daughter of an Artist, I consistently brought in A* art homework. It was all plain sailing until I was asked to stand up in front of the class and repeat my ability. So I can fully appreciate the stomach-churning feeling that this poor, well-meaning woman must have had when she realised she had, single handedly, destroyed a work of art. Although, if anything, she’s helped that picture go down in history.

1. If Carlsberg Did Breakdowns…

Before you all start, I’m fully aware that the subject of mental illness isn’t funny. I’ve dealt with enough breakdowns and mental health problems in my own circle of fabulous people to know that it’s a very serious and horrible thing for everyone involved. That said, I’ve also had enough experience with it to know that, as with most things in life; if you can’t have a laugh at yourself, you’re doomed. So, if you’re going to have a very public breakdown, this is the way to do it… to celebrate 2012 in true Scarlett style, here we have the director of Kony 2012, going absolutely naked-apeshit in a car park.

Happy New Year you beautiful, sexual people. Here’s to a 2013 full of fun, new adventures and happiness for each and every one of you x




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