September 2013

(After two days on the ‘clean living’ graft I fell off the wagon and hit the diet coke, so this post is hopefully a bit less shouty than Tuesday’s.)

Working is really hard; if it’s not bad enough that you have to drag yourself out of bed at daft o’clock in the morning to sit in a room all day, every day with a load of people you sort of hate, but when you’re there you have to do stuff. Important stuff, usually. And you have to do it well enough so that someone else that you sort of hate thinks your great and doesn’t tell you to go home… where, ironically, is where you’d rather be anyway.

WELL, today I’ve decided to share some of my upcoming business ideas that are going to guarentee that this time next year, I’ll be a millionaire.

Eat your heart out, Zuckerberg.

pinup office

We’ll get you through it LTD*

Is your little sister getting married before you? Godmother for your friend’s ugly baby? Christmas with the family? Well, at We’ll get you through it LTD we’re committed to making sure your awkward, stressful or soul destroying social occasion more bearable.

Simply text the address of the event to 555-help-me and our team will discreetly turn up at the venue with everything you could possibly need to get you through it within twenty minutes – that’s our promise to you!

Cigarettes? You got it. Alcohol? We’ve got your tipple! A bag of dirty nappies to remind you why you’ve not had kids yet? Yes, we even have that.

Our team of experts have years of experience in torturous social occasions and know exactly what you’ll need to help get you through – and more!

We’ll get you through it LTD, making life’s curve balls bearable!

*When I told my fella about this one he looked at me blankly for about five minutes, then said “Well, it should obviously be called ‘The Rescuers’ ” – which is actually a much better name, but he’d never let me live it down if I told him that.

Do you have a problem pet? Does your dog deliberately throw up when strangers touch it, or perhaps it howls long into the night every time you leave it alone. Whatever your pet’s peeve may be, there’s no way you can put it into kennels while your on holiday.

Instead, get in touch with to mind your pets! Whatever your local kennels/cattery is charging to mind your pets for the duration of your trip we charge a mere 50% of that (and the password to your decent Wifi connection) to live in your house and mind your pets.

Enjoy your trip in the knowledge that your pets are happy in their own home and that we’ll only eat food that is about to expire… or that we don’t think you’ll notice missing!, keeping your pets happy while you’re away!

Hire a fan

Headed to your high school reunion without a date? Facing another family Christmas pretending you’re straight? Told your date that you’re famous but have nothing to back it up? Well, at Hire a Fan we’re committed to making you look good. Our extensive agency has actors that can play any part you need them to in order to trick your loved ones, (and your not-so-loved ones) into thinking you’re something you’re not.

Whether it’s a one-off autograph request to impress a potential lover, or a long-term girlfriend to act as a beard at those inquisitive family occasions – we’ve got whoever you need to stage one hell of a  fantastic pretence.

Hire a fan – kind of like an escort agency, but less sexy.

Until next time… x


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