May 2015

“Why do girls always go to the toilet together.” That old chestnut. Well lads, I’m going to lay it down for you; uncover our secret, once and for all. There are three reasons women go to the bathroom together.

1) To share makeup/hair products

2) To talk about you/someone else in the group

3) To rap battle.

I’d love to say that number three was a joke, but a bizarre rendezvous in the toilets of Liverpool’s infamous Popworld with a gang of Irish hens in their mid forties, would suggest otherwise.

Anyway, having spent a fair amount of time in the ladies lav over my twenties, (was that as weird a sentence to read as it was to write?) I can tell you that the girls you meet in the toilets of a bar all fall into one of five categories. And, what’s more, we’ve all been each of these girls at some point in our life.

girls you meet in bar toilets

1) The girl that’s lost everyone

And, quite frankly, she seems positively upbeat about it. She gives absolutely no fucks that her lift home may be disappearing deep into the night, because she’s having an absolute ball spilling her life story to strangers while they wee.

2) The gossip girls

These are the girls who pile into the cubicle together for a good gossip and don’t leave for at least 25 minutes despite the relentless banging on the door from the hard-looking bird  on the brink of wetting herself. You, and your bladder, hate them with the fire of a thousand suns… but you also kind of, really, really need to hear the rest of their story about what Kerry from accounts did at the Christmas party.

3) The MUA

Need to borrow a lippy? She’s your girl. Need an eyeliner? She’s got you covered. Need a contour, smoky eye and full set of strip lashes? Fuck it, she will sit you down and you’ll leave looking a million quid.

Mental note to go to Dragon’s Den and pitch a new ‘toilet make up artist’ company.

4) The drama queen

Isn’t it funny how the girls who claim to ‘hate drama’ are the same ones you finding crying in the toilet, covered in WKD, before midnight. These are the same girls who post their horoscopes every day on Facebook and get overly enthusiastic about the red Starbucks cups.

5) The girl who’s fuming

The girl will either be on the phone screaming at someone, (probably her fella) or be surrounded by a gang of stressed-out friends trying to convince her not to rag someone’s extensions out outside. Don’t try and get involved by asking if she’s OK. She’s not. She’s fuming. Just steer clear.

6) Your new BBF

You’ve bonded over mutual disgust for the sheer amount of soggy toilet roll caked across the floor. Laughed at the gossip coming from one of the cubicles. She borrowed your mascara, you tried her perfume.In fact, if you’re any one of the above, you’ve probably told her your entire life story by now.

You’ve hit it off. This girl is cool. Really cool. Almost, dare you say it, as cool as you… almost. She could be your new best mate. But alas, in the time it takes for you both to wee, you’ll have disappeared out of each other’s lives forever. Ships in the night.

Until you bump int each other at the bar, of course.

Until next time… x

You may also like:

5 reasons you should always tip

14 people you meet at weddings

People I hate at the gym

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