September 2015

You may not have heard – perhaps because, unlike myself, you don’t click on links to stories that involve the police having to get involved in public masturbation. What, do you think you’re better than me or something? You probably are.

Where was I?

Ah yes, you may not have heard that a Blackburn man has recently appeared in court after ‘performing a sex act’ in public after snorting five lines of cocaine.

The ‘sex act’ in question was, in fact, a 40 minute wank in the beer garden of his local.

pin up cute

Naturally – as with anything that involved sexual felony, class A drugs and bemused relatives making awkward statements to the press – the internet has gone off it’s proverbial barnet.. But there are a couple of questions I think we need to clear up.

  1. How did he make it to 40 minutes without anybody intervening? Or did they try? What happened?
  2. This isn’t the first time he’s been arrested for public masturbation. Does this me that, potentially, there’s Blackburn pub crawl to all the crime scenes?  I call copyright.
  3. Why? The people need answers.

Whatever the answers to these questions may be, I think we can all agree that – as Joel Golby so eloquently put – nothing really says “Britain” more than the image of a tired fork lift truck operator, coked out of his mind, emotionlessly wanking under a Thwaites-branded bench umbrella.

Until next time… x

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