July 2016

I don’t know who I think I am, but for the last two weeks I’ve been walking round like Jonny big pockets; making it rain at the bar, buying a new telly, buying an iPad for my FUCKING DOG, (that’s a whole other story I’ll go into another time) and basically acting like money isn’t an issue.

So naturally now, after a ridiculous few days of ignoring my bank balance and just playing Russian roulette with every card machine I use, I’m full of regret, basking in my own terrible financial decisions with about 70 quid to last me the next two weeks before pay day.

Which means a lot of sitting home.

So anyway, last night after a solid few hours of tagging every baby I saw on Facebook as Verne Troyer, I downloaded Tinder again.

Yes I know, after everything I’ve said about dating apps being places of abject horror where morals are a loose concept and urban fishermen roam free, I’m a massive hypocrite. But here we are again.

tinder funny blog

The thing that never fails to baffle me is the thought process behind some of the photos. Using the same mate over and over again, for example, is just really confusing – and, by the way, a terrible idea if they’re fitter than you.

Then there’s the ones who are with a different girl (or worse, the same girl) in every photo. Any girl looking at your profile is going to assume you have a) ex issues – swerve or b) think you’re some sort of Poundland Hugh Hefner – swerve.  Even if it’s your sister, girls aren’t going to stick around long enough to read that in your bio.

In fact while we’re on the subject, if you have to explain any of your photos don’t use them. “Not my baby” – hmmmm I dunno, lad.

Then we have the bio checklist; the trademark signature of the Tinder dickhead.

Behave your fucking self, Greg.

Oh, and stop lying about your height, we can clearly see from the photo you’re 5’7.

The only thing worse than the check-list is the, “back on here after a bad breakup, hopefully women can be trusted.” Oh lad, stop it. We’ve not even matched yet and you’re lashing digs at your ex all over the show? You might as well have just put “My hobbies include cry-wanking over my ex and girls who leave their drinks unattended at the bar.”

That’s enough ranting for today, anyway. Tune in next time for “why are people still posing with drugged up tigers?” and “how to appear 75% more attractive just by wearing a pair of grey trackies.”

Scarlett out… x

1 comment

Because deep down we’re all terrible cooks really

Thumbnail image for Because deep down we’re all terrible cooks really

Whether it’s setting fire to the microwave whilst attempting to melt cheese slices over koka noodles, or nearly hospitalising your fella while getting a bit too creative with raw sushi, we’ve all had a kitchen nightmare that […]

Read More

Can we talk about hate-stalking please.

Thumbnail image for Can we talk about hate-stalking please.

Something hideous has happened; somebody I hate-stalk on social media has gone and got herself birded up. Hate stalking, by nature, is a risky little game (not to mention really unhealthy and self-sabotaging.) One slip of the […]

Read More