August 2016

Remember a few years ago when people would refer to Creamfields as going to ‘The Field of Cream’?

Heavy wasn’t it. I’ll give you a second to have a little cringe.

Luckily, I think we’re past those days, so while we won’t have to hear the Cheshire based festival referred to as that anymore, here are few other things you’re guaranteed to see or hear if you’re heading to Creamfields over the August Bank Holiday.


The girl with the 677373 second long Snapchat story

87% of which is her miming along to whatever song is playing with the butterfly headband filter on. 10 points if you spot someone in the background, rolling their eyes.

Someone crying by the portoloos

Nothing in life is certain… except that every night out will end with a girl sobbing with no shoes on. Add heavy daytime drinking to the mix and the portaloos become a haven for drunk girls screaming Adele lyrics down the phone to their ex’s voicemail.

The lad who films the entire set

Honestly, absolutely nobody is going to watch your grainy footage on YouTube ever. Just put your phone away and enjoy yourself.

Floral crowns

Over the last few years UK festivals have gone full Coachella with a sea of floral headbands. For every lad you see sharking round after birds in a Hugo Boss polo shirt, you’ll see a girl filming herself dancing with her eyes closed with what looks like half a garden resting on her head.

I’m not having a go, I’m the worst offender of them all. In fact, my mate attempted to bin mine in Brussels when I refused to stop wearing it while we were sightseeing. What can I say, I love a cliche.

dog with flower crown

The refugee from Wigan Pier circa ’92

Has he come alone? Where is his t-shirt? Has anyone’s jaw ever swung so much? How is it possible for a human being to sweat so much and still be alive? One thing is for certain, though, he’s having an absolute shiny disco ball.

The rogue goth

Creamfields isn’t their scene, but they’ve been roped into coming along for someone’s birthday celebrations. They can be found in the corner, grasping a bag of unidentified amphetamines and complaining about the music.

Someone blagging he knows the DJ

Has said “I swear down, I’ll get you into the afterparty” to six different groups of girls and one Z-list celebrity that was on Come Dine With Me in 2014. Spoiler; there is no afterparty.

The lads

Whether it’s 12 degrees or 28, they will be kitted out in full, head to toe, North Face – including a cap. A moment’s silence for all the melted ketwigs that Creamfields 2016 took too young.

north face

Until next time… x