5 foods you think are healthy, but you’re wrong

Happy New Year everyone, and congratulations; we officially made it through 2017. Just about.

A lot of shit went down in 2017, most of it horrifying and awful; but not nearly as bad as the batshit crazy diets that 90% of us are putting ourselves through in January in a desperate attempt to reverse the stuffing and alcohol induced damage we did over Christmas.

Now, almost as if being fat, cold and skint isn’t bad enough, it turns out that a load of the foods that we’re eating this month thinking we’re ‘being good’ are really fucking unhealthy, actually. It’s bubble-bursting time, bitches.

1. Dried Fruit

You’d be forgiven for thinking that dried fruit is a healthy option, after all, it’s just fruit, right? Nature’s jelly beans. Sorry, not fucking true. A bag of dried fruit usually has the same sugar content as a bag of sweets – although it might give you the shits, which is a whole other diet plan I don’t suggest you try.

driet fruit unhealthy

2. Yogurt

Ok, unflavoured natural Greek yogurt might still be on the table if you’re trying to be healthy, but contrary to what Slimming World, (a bizarre cult loosely disguised as a diet plan for those who have been living under a rock) would have you believe, all of those flavoured yogurts are FULL OF SUGAR.

Which would explain why people in my office scrape away at the tub so hysterically, trying to get every last bit. If you’re reading this, it’s yogurt, Sharon, not cocaine.

yogurt not healthy

3. Rice cakes

Rice cakes look like polystyrene, taste like polystyrene, and the only way you can make them remotely edible is to smother them with peanut butter. But again, thanks to Slimming World, slimming world, they’ve suddenly gained the reputation as a leading diet food. Granted, they’re low in calories, (and taste) but that’s pretty much their only asset considering they have very little nutritional value at all and a high GI. Soz, #SWconsultants, you’re not selling me on this one I’m afraid.

rice cakes no nutrition

4. Vitamin Water

Staying hydrated AF is rule #1 when it comes to living healthily, so water with added vitamins sounds like it should be nectar of the gods, doesn’t it? Wrong. Sorry, that would be too easy. Vitamin water is full of sugar. Do yourself a favour and lash a bit of fruit in to flavour it, instead.

christmas blog funny

5. Granola

granola unhealthy

Sprinkling granola on your (as we’ve already established, probably really unhealthy) yogurt might make you feel like an Instagram model, but it stops being so chic when you realise that it’s basically just oats rolled in syrup. You might as well just fuck it off and have a Galaxy caramel.

Until next time… x

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