Isn’t it mad to think that you can be 107 weeks deep into an Instagram stalk of your new fella’s ex, while somewhere out there your ex’s new girlfriend is probably doing the same on yours.
And so the circle of crank is complete.
We’ve all been there though; knee deep in a social media stalk, knowing full well that one rogue tap of the thumb and it’s over. So now we can admit that we’ve all done it at one point or another, let’s take a look at some of the people who have probably had a good nose through your social media profiles in the last month.
Your ex’s new bird/fella
Contrary to popular belief, your ex probably isn’t the number one spectator of your profile. In actual fact they’re probably avoiding it like the plague because they don’t want to subject themselves to your new life without them… or, of course, because they genuinely don’t give a single fuck anymore (sorry). In reality, undesirable number one stalking your every move is much more likely to be your ex’s new girlfriend or boyfriend. And probably at least three of their closest friends. After all, it’s only human nature to want to know what came before; so just as the cavemen left paintings on walls, we leave loved up holiday photos for the viewing pleasure of the next person to come along.
Your new fella/bird’s ex
Rest assured, in the same way that your replacement is keeping tabs on you, the person who came before will also be on your profile pictures. Scrolling. Judging.
The person who has no idea how they got here
This person started off looking at someone else’s profile, and the next thing they know they’ve done the rounds of their cousin’s, wife’s, hairdressers and somehow landed on your profile, glassy eyed, looking at your holiday photos from 2010 wondering what the hell they’re doing with their life.
This person hates you with a passion, but instead of just getting on with their lives, they spend their time dissecting every single thing you upload. Of course, you could go private – but you wouldn’t want to deprive them of their hobby.
Finally, your number one fan will always be there to share you selfies and ruin your hilariously worded statues with an inane comment. Bless her little cotton socks.
Until next time… happy stalking x