When you hit a certain age you find that Wedding ceremonies inevitably (and often reluctantly) become part of your summer plans.
90% of the time it’ll fall smack bang in the middle of a bank holiday weekend, 60% of the time you won’t be able to bring a guest and 100% of the time you’ll have to pull an Oscar-worthy performance out of the bag to show that there’s nowhere in the whole world you’d rather be than sweating up on a rented chair watching two people say ‘I do’.
Nonetheless, weddings aren’t all bad. There’s food, alcohol and, who knows, sometimes you might genuinely be happy to get an invite.
Either way, here are a few tips to get you through the day, whatever your take on the nuptials.
DO take a decent bag
I’m not saying you should spend the night swinging your favourite Mary Poppins-esque hold-all around the dance floor, but you definitely want to take a clutch that’s big enough to hold at least two slices of cake.
One for the 10pm-mid-dancing-munchies and an emergency 2am slice to help you through the emotional elation/trauma, (usually based on your own relationship status) of having spent the whole day celebrating someone else’s love.
DON’T throw rice
Whilst rice doesn’t actually make birds explode, (you hear that, James from primary school? You were wrong about everything!) it still isn’t great for them or any other animals that might wander past looking for an uncooked snack. I suggest throwing glitter… or rocks, depending on your feelings towards the couple.
DO wear your dancing shoes
Weddings are for dancing, (preferably with one of the bride or groom’s elderly relatives if you want to be remembered as ‘the adorable one’) – and nobody likes a spoilsport who sits at the table judging everyone else’s dance moves.
That said, I’m a firm believer that, once you put your shoes on at the beginning of the night, you’ve made a solemn vow to stick with them through thick and thin until you get home. So, if you’re planning to wear new ones, make sure you break them in first with at least three sessions of dancing around your bedroom. Worst case scenario, take flats in your bag. But just know that I’m judging you for giving up.
DON’T fight over the bouquet
There’s nothing more terrifying than a woman ready to rip the hair from her friend’s scalp just to catch a bunch of flowers. Whether you’re single or in a relationship it just looks desperate, and you’re better than that.
DO pre-empt the cash bar
Gone are the days that weddings meant an open bar where you could fill your boots, now you’re more likely to pay top-whack prices at some rented bar in a marquee. Oh, and they probably won’t take card.
If you don’t want to spend your night queuing, I suggest investing in a decent hip flask, or, I suppose, some sort of whole body-flask, if you’re really dreading the day.
DON’T get drunk and slag off the happy couple
Embarrassing stories about the bride or groom are fine – encouraged, actually. Telling random strangers how you once slept with the groom wasn’t very impressed, on the other hand, definitely isn’t.
DO eat breakfast
Between the ceremony, the never-ending photo taking and the speeches, you’ve got a long wait ahead of you before you finally smell the sweet scent of free food. Best case scenario; you might faint from hunger – worst case scenario; you’ll get life-ruiningly drunk off table-wine and end up club-necking a member of the wedding party on the dance floor by 9pm. Although it can be a good way to guarantee your place in the wedding album.
Side note: If you’re planning a wedding, then the speeches should always come after the food. Your guests will be fuller, drunker and in a much more accommodating place to listen to an hour of in-jokes.
DON’T complain about the food
It’s free, and it’s someone’s wedding. Stop being a dick.
Until next time… x