Scarlett View…

Unless you live under a rock, you’ll probably be familiar with people posting photos of their meals onto social media. 

You are? Great! So you’ll agree that  none of us give a fuck about what anyone else is eating?

So why are people still posting these pictures? Well I have a theory… I love theories by the way. I have a theory about everything. My latest one is that in a few thousand years ants are going to rise up against humans and take over the world. Have you seen how easily ants kill things that get in their way? Imagine if evolution means that they get bigger. We’re fucked.

I mean, if you really think about it, they don’t even need to get bigger, there just needs to be more of them. I once read that it’d only 655,000 ants to carry a human person. Throw a Chewitt on the floor and at least 200,000 will magically appear from nowhere. Honest, people, these are scary times.

I have genuinely no idea what I was talking about now.

Oh right, yeah; people posting photos of their food. So I have a theory that these food-posting  who do this fall into these four categories:

The Gwyneth

The Gwyneth is better than you and it’s important that you know this. Her and her perfect, ‘catalog-shoot’ family only eat organic, home grown food that is blessed by the high sun-gods… so you need to feel really bad about every delicious additive you’ve ever consumed.

The Skinny Girl

This person is naturally 8 stone no matter what they eat, and forever posting photos of cookies for breakfast and Maccies for every other meal.

The photos are always accompanied by a caption saying ‘total fatty‘, just to remind you how very un-fat they are. Rest assured, when they hit 30 they’ll balloon out and have to hit the salad graft much harder than you.


The Gym-Bunny

In case you hadn’t noticed their rippling muscles and rock-hard pecs in their most recent gym-mirror selfie, they like to remind you how healthy they are by constantly posting photos of protein shakes, broccoli and peanut butter.

Gym-bunnies love a hashtag, so when they’re online you can relax in the knowledge that you’ll never forget to #EatCleanTrainDirty.

The ‘I-stopped-giving-a-fuck-a-long-time-ago’

By far my favourite food-photo-poster; this person eats whatever they want and won’t be deterred by your fear-mongering talk of type 2 diabetes and heart disease.

30% of all accompanying captions are, “have you seen the size of this” whilst the other 70% are a very simple, “So. Much. Cheese.”

So if you’re thinking of posting a photo of your meal today, first ask yourself the following questions;

“Have I created giant food?”

“Have I invent a new, life-changing dish that is a mash-up of at least three other delicious foods?” (In this case, I’d expect one of the foods to at least be pizza, or fudge brownies.)

If the answer is no, then don’t bother, just eat it before it gets cold.

Until next time… x


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