So, today I turn 25 years old and since I already had my “what am I doing with my life” breakdown earlier this morning, I’m now taking a well deserved day off, eating a homemade Oreo cake that my fella made from scratch (with surprisingly minimal swearing and damage to the kitchen) and counting down the hours until I can get on the rum.
With this much appreciated down-time, I’ve been having a good look through the various Google searches that lead you fine people to my little corner of the internet. I absolutely love doing this because every month I’m absolutely fucking mesmerised by the sheer amount of people who, like me, use this incredible tool we call the internet for no other reason than to look at pictures of sloths. I also love doing it because it serves as my therapy; reminding me I’m not the only one desperately asking Google to sort their life out for them.
So, what with it being my birthday, I’ve decided to tackle some of the burning questions people out there are asking…
Pulled a sickie and boss is coming to my house
First off, congratulations on following my advice and treating yourself to a nice day off – I’m sorry that your boss is a psychopath with nothing better to do with their day. To be honest, I feel absolutely terrified for you and my first instincts want to say “move”, “leave the country” – but if that’s not an option, you need to work quickly…
To start off, you need to hide any evidence of fun that might give you away; empty bottles/other people sleeping on your furniture/a floor covered in glitter – and don’t forget to check your outside your door for stray pieces of evidence, this is the first area your boss will see.
Secondly you need to make yourself look as rough as possible; backcomb your hair to make it look like you’ve been lying in bed all day, wipe off any make up you’ve put on and hold your face over a boiling kettle to give that red, clammy look, (disclaimer: use common sense and don’t scald your face – although third degree burns might work well in this situation.)
Finally, under no circumstances whatsoever allow yourself to cave under pressure. They’re coming to your house because they don’t believe you – just imagine how cheeky that would be if you really were ill. Channel that feeling and don’t back down.
“A quick rap to say when you’re dumping someone”
“Now, this is a story all about how
your life got flipped-turned upside down
And I’d like to take a minute
Just sit right there
I’ll tell you how this can’t work out ‘cos you’ve got shit hair”
(optional dance interlude)
“In (enter your town) born and raised
Wearing tank tops is how you spend most of your days
Chillin’ out relaxin’, thinking yo’ cool
When you’ve been leechin’ of your ma’ since you dropped out’a school
Now someone needs to tell you that those Crocs are no good
And you relly shouldn’t wear them round the neighbourhood
I could go on and on, but that wouldn’t be fair
‘Cos really, if I’m honest, I’ve been having an affair.
“Binge eating when hungover”
I’m not completely sure what you’re looking for here, but if it’s justification for the sheer amount of food you’re indulging in today then you’ve come to the right place. No only do I give you full permission to eat whatever you want, guilt free, I’ll do one better and let you in on a few hangover-curing secrets:
– SuperNoodles with melted cheese
– SuperNoodles with melted cheese… on a sandwich
– A whole watermelon
– Last night’s leftover pizza (I suggest checking your bedroom floor)
Until next time… x