So, today I turn 25 years old and since I already had my “what am I doing with my life” breakdown earlier this morning, I’m now taking a well deserved day off, eating a homemade Oreo cake that my fella made from scratch (with surprisingly minimal swearing and damage to the kitchen) and counting down the hours until I can get on the rum. 

With this much appreciated down-time, I’ve been having a good look through the various Google searches that lead you fine people to my little corner of the internet. I absolutely love doing this because every month I’m absolutely fucking mesmerised by the sheer amount of people who, like me, use this incredible tool we call the internet for no other reason than to look at pictures of sloths. I also love doing it because it serves as my therapy; reminding me I’m not the only one desperately asking Google to sort their life out for them.

So, what with it being my birthday, I’ve decided to tackle some of the burning questions people out there are asking…

Pulled a sickie and boss is coming to my house

First off, congratulations on following my advice and treating yourself to a nice day off – I’m sorry that your boss is a psychopath with nothing better to do with their day. To be honest, I feel absolutely terrified for you and my first instincts want to say “move”, “leave the country” – but if that’s not an option, you need to work quickly…

To start off, you need to hide any evidence of fun that might give you away; empty bottles/other people sleeping on your furniture/a floor covered in glitter – and don’t forget to check your outside your door for stray pieces of evidence, this is the first area your boss will see.

Secondly you need to make yourself look as rough as possible; backcomb your hair to make it look like you’ve been lying in bed all day, wipe off any make up you’ve put on and hold your face over a boiling kettle to give that red, clammy look, (disclaimer: use common sense and don’t scald your face – although third degree burns might work well in this situation.)

Finally, under no circumstances whatsoever allow yourself to cave under pressure. They’re coming to your house because they don’t believe you – just imagine how cheeky that would be if you really were ill. Channel that feeling and don’t back down.

“A quick rap to say when you’re dumping someone”

“Now, this is a story all about how
your life got flipped-turned upside down
And I’d like to take a minute
Just sit right there
I’ll tell you how this can’t work out ‘cos you’ve got shit hair”

(optional dance interlude)

“In (enter your town) born and raised
Wearing tank tops is how you spend most of your days
Chillin’ out relaxin’, thinking yo’ cool
When you’ve been leechin’ of your ma’ since you dropped out’a school
Now someone needs to tell you that those Crocs are no good
And you relly shouldn’t wear them round the neighbourhood
I could go on and on, but that wouldn’t be fair
‘Cos really, if I’m honest, I’ve been having an affair.

“Binge eating when hungover”

 

 

 

 

 

I’m not completely sure what you’re looking for here, but if it’s justification for the sheer amount of food you’re indulging in today then you’ve come to the right place. No only do I give you full permission to eat whatever you want, guilt free, I’ll do one better and let you in on a few hangover-curing secrets:

– SuperNoodles

– SuperNoodles with melted cheese

– SuperNoodles with melted cheese… on a sandwich

– A whole watermelon

– Last night’s leftover pizza (I suggest checking your bedroom floor)

Until next time… x

26 comments… read them below or add one

Hogga April 9, 2013 at 12:43 pm

lol love the rhyme

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Scarlett April 9, 2013 at 3:43 pm

Haha, I might get drunk and perform it x

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MorganBTWS April 9, 2013 at 1:08 pm

Best rap ever.

I am so using this on someone, one day. I hope.

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MorganBTWS April 9, 2013 at 1:08 pm

… oh, and happy birthday!

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Scarlett April 9, 2013 at 3:42 pm

Thanks lovely :) x

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Scarlett April 9, 2013 at 3:42 pm

Haha! Glad to help… I trust you’ll try to avoid dates who wear Crocs though, so I really need to re-work that bit x

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Stephanie Iris April 9, 2013 at 2:32 pm

I have been having quite a few “omfg what am I doing with my life” meltdowns recently.

But, on the brightside, it’s your birthday and the perfect time to drink away meltdowns.

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Scarlett April 9, 2013 at 3:41 pm

So true! Bottoms up x

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Gorilla Bananas April 9, 2013 at 2:33 pm

Aren’t super noodles just pot noodles without the pot? You may as well eat pot noodles to save yourself the bother of getting a plate.

The “whole watermelon” cure is spot on – just what we’d do in the jungle. When in doubt, piss it out.

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Scarlett April 9, 2013 at 3:41 pm

Genius! Pot noodles are much better… with bread dipped in for a double carb infusion x

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Emmas Bucket List April 9, 2013 at 3:52 pm

Inspired! …As always. I do love reading your random fucking posts! Lol!

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Scarlett April 10, 2013 at 11:42 am

haha, thanks Emma x

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Jess @UsedYorkCity April 9, 2013 at 11:29 pm

Happiest birthday, darling!!! I hope Rum Time came quick as ever…here’s raising a glass to you from across the pond! xx

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Scarlett April 10, 2013 at 11:43 am

Ahh, thanks Jess :) x

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ShimonZ April 10, 2013 at 2:12 am

Happy Birthday… and thank god there’s a next time. It’s always so much fun visiting you… and yes… thank god once again that I’m not your boss. Live it up!

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Scarlett April 10, 2013 at 11:42 am

LOL, thanks Shimon x

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winopants April 10, 2013 at 2:48 am

Fresh Prince bahah!
I’m not sure what these super noodles are but I can guess they are alot like Top Ramen. I used to find them to be helpful during drinking to soak up the alcohol. Those were the days!

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Scarlett April 10, 2013 at 11:42 am

Haha! Yeah they’re probably pretty similar – carbs are a hangover’s best friend x

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snowbird April 10, 2013 at 10:37 am

Lol….brilliant advise re pulling a sickie!!! Happy birthday.xxxxx

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Scarlett April 10, 2013 at 11:41 am

Thanks Snowbird :)

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Suzy Marie April 10, 2013 at 7:46 pm

“Sloth wearing pyjamas” is still the most popular search term for referring people to my blog. EVERYONE loves sloths. I love that everyone loves sloths. Anyway, happy birthday!!!! :) x

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Scarlett April 11, 2013 at 9:36 am

Hahaha! That’s amazing. I love how much everyone loves sloths too! xx

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Babs April 12, 2013 at 12:09 pm

Eee, what type of horrible boss would come round to your house when you’re sick. Lying or not! That rap is proper funny

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Scarlett April 12, 2013 at 12:11 pm

I know! I feel devastated for whoever that happened to. Thanks lovely x

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Teffy May 10, 2013 at 9:49 am

this post actually made me laugh out loud! That rap is just.. unbelievable! Not that I want to dump anyone at the moment mind you, but it’s always good to have it under your belt!

Teffy || Teffys Perks Blog

Xx

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Scarlett May 10, 2013 at 11:50 am

LOL, maybe I’ll start writing raps for all day to day tasks xx

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