Festive fever has now completely infiltrated the Scarlett household, which means every night you will generally find me crying at a heart warming film, (Planes, Trains and Automobiles anyone?) eating my way through my entire advent calender early and drinking pretty much mulled anything…
As it’s still early days of December, I’m trying to save the best Christmas films until closer to the time – so, over the last week I’ve once again been working my way through the Harry Potter series.
I should start by saying that I absolutely LOVE Harry Potter. To the point where I have happily humiliated myself at platform 9 and 3/4 in Kings Cross… but that’s a story for another day. However, I couldn’t help but throw up a little bit in my mouth at the end of the film, when you catch a glimpse of Rupert Grint with a receding hairline and Daniel Radcliffe utter the words “Albus, Severus Potter”.
So, I’ve decided to come up with a few alternative endings…
*SPOILER ALERT* If you haven’t already seen Wicked the musical, Fight Club, Star Wars, Harry Potter or Forrest Gump DO NOT read this post.
(The first four because I might spoil them for you… Forrest Gump just because it’s the best film in the world, and you should be ashamed of yourself for not having seen it.)
(I don’t know who drew this Pin Up of Hermione, but how fabulous is it? Whoever you are, I applaud you! Please get in touch so I can give you credit.)
The Fight Club Ending
Picture the final scene; Harry and Voldemort are wand to wand, the sky it alight with red sparks and green sparks…
Harry is grunting and groaning under the strain of the magic… you see Voldemort grinning; doing that Haka tongue thing he’s so keen on. You know Harry could very well be doomed…
Suddenly, the scene cuts to Ron and Hermione’s point of view; we see Harry standing alone… repeatedly using different enchantments to harm himself.
As the audience ,we’re then taken through a montage of all eight films; we see Harry placing his diary for Ginny to find in Diagon Alley, Harry eating unicorns in the forest… whispering commands into Bellatrix’s ear, murdering Snape…
The scenes become faster and faster until we finally realise the truth… Harry and Voldemort are the same person.
The whole series serves to show us that there is good and bad in all of us; you just have to battle to make sure that good wins in the end. Also, it teaches us that schizophrenic people should be monitored a little more closely in future.
The Star Wars Ending
Once again; Harry and Voldemort are wand to wand, the sky it alight with red sparks and blah blah blah…
The snake is killed and Harry’s red magic line..? (Seriously, what would you call it?) Harry’s red magic line starts to creep it’s way towards Voldemort. Just as he’s about to be obliterated you hear him shout, “But Harry… I’m your father!”
“I’m your father, Harry”
“No you’re not.”
“Shut up! ‘Course I am, why do you think I killed your mother – she was cheating on me with that four-eyed prick James.”
“I suppose that makes sense… why are you trying to kill me though?”
“I don’t know Harry, it’s complicated. The whole situation really messed me up to be honest – I’ve been doing a lot of coke and there was that situation with the Thai prostitute that turned out to be a…”
“Sorry, sorry. Seriously though son, I’ve cleaned up my act. I’ll get help and I think we can make this work…”
They embrace. The scene then cuts to Harry and Ginny’s wedding where Voldemort stands in the church beaming proudly, with a brand, spanking new Daniella Westbrook nose to match.
The Wicked Ending
As in the film, Harry defeats Voldemort… Good has triumphed over evil and the Wizarding world celebrates. As usual the scene cuts to Harry giving his son a pep talk on the platform… but just before the scene fades out and the credits begin to roll, we see that’s we’re not the only ones watching the next general of Potter’s and Weasley’s board the train, ready to start their Hogwarts adventure. Our point of view is shared with the familiar face of Voldemort; watching the children from afar with that knowing grin spreading across his face. As the audience we realise that Voldemort never really died and the saga will continue on… forever.
Though you could relax J.K? Thought you could ease into early retirement, knocking out the occasional adult novel? Nice try, love…