Everyone has a different level of petty when they’re pushed to their limits.
My mum, for example, lashes my Dad’s pillows in the pond every time he winds her up. A mate of mine throws her fella’s socks out the window into a thorn bush if he dares leave them on the bedroom floor, whilst her mum once had her dad’s car scrapped whilst he was at the footy. (Her blog is full of these little anecdotes, by the way, you should go and read it.)
I, on the other hand, like to remove myself from arguments and calm down to avoid any sort of red-mist situation – so when I heard that the British professionals of concrete garages; Lidget weren’t just your bang average garage-manufacturers but rather specialised in creating some seriously enviable man-caves I thought, “maaaaaate, we need to make the ‘bitch-cave’ a thing.”
I’m naming it a ‘bitch cave’ by the way – for those of you without a scrap of humour who like to write passive aggressive things in the comments section; hey babes! – because 1. it’s a place we can go to have the proverbial bitch-a-thon when you’re fuming and 2. because I’m reclaiming the word bitch as a compliment, after all; bitches get shit done!
So, now I’ve decided this is the thing we all need for 2017, here’s exactly what I’d like in my very own den of guilty pleasures:
A prosecco fridge
I honestly don’t think this needs any explanation
A decent selection trap music
If there’s one thing that comes hand in hand with a prosecco fridge, it’s grinding to some dirty trap music. Fuck it, lash a pole in there too, let’s do this properly.
A pizza flap
Kind of like a cat-flap, obut specifically so people can post my pizza delivery – removing any human contact, so therefore removing any judgement when I order a 2-4-Tuesday-for-one. While we’re at it, a pre-paid direct phone to Domino’s – kind of like an Uber for fast-food.
Because dogs > humans.
A compliments mirror
Ok, so this isn’t a thing yet – but I feel like it should be. Basically, I want a mirror that, every time I look in it, a sassy voice says “Wow. Girl you look
Mean Girls, Spiceworld: the movie and (urgh I can barely even write it) Chalet Girl
With solitude comes the collection of cringe-worthy chick flicks. If anyone in the real world asks, my favourite film is Snatch. In the bitch cave, however, you’ll find me getting emotional to Chalet Girl. Soz about me.
Until next time… x