Britain is in the throes of a heatwave and, like clockwork, as soon as it hits 12 degrees we all rush, bleary eyed and half dressed onto the streets like we’ve been locked away for twenty years. So if you’re out and about this Easter, here are some things you’re guaranteed to see…
- Never-ending Snapchat stories. Any story you watch will invariably be either 1. of the sun, usually with loud music playing. 2. of a Despo and a pair of knees or 3. practically undecipherable because of the current temperature filter covering everything,
- Gangs of ketwigs in full North Face. For those of you outside of Liverpool who don’t have the pleasure of dodging this phenomenan doing wheelies outside your house every morning; a “ketwig” is a really fucking bad haircut donned by the youth of Merseyside that makes them look like a cross between Harry Enfield’s “Scousers” and a mountain goat. The name comes from the idea that the money they save on haircuts can be used, much more sensibly; on ketamine. As predictable as rain during Britian’s Summertime, you can count on these gangs to be North-Face-d upto their eyeballs no matter what temperature it is.
- Old men in booty shorts. Is it baby oil or sweat that’s glistening, you don’t know
- Uncomfortable gingers. If they’re not violently sunburned already, you’ll find them in a beer garden, trying not to look panicked whilst discreetly scoping the shade situation out
- Bars making beer gardens out of fuck all. Because it’s not really Summer until even the local Greggs has set up an al fresco eating area consisting of two4one plastic seats from Home and Bargain, and an upturned wheelie bin.
- Flower crowns errrrrywhere. Because IT’S SUMMER Y’ALL
- Angry Emos. Even less spritely than usual, they can be found cowering under the nearest flyover or trying to admit themselves into the hospital burns unit because they’ve accidentally got a bit of colour in their cheeks
- And finally… stressed tesco employees… violently restocking the bread roll aisles while people grab packets out of their hands like there’s some sort of national shortage.
Happy British Summertime… x