If You Ask Me

BY ZOE YAK

steven-gerrard

“Top 10 Reasons to Date a Scouser”

“Why Your Next Fella Should Be From Liverpool”

“Things You Only Know to be True If You’re in Love with a Scouser”

“10 Things You’ll Relate to If You Have a Scouse Boyfriend”

Yawn. Buzzfeed hasn’t half created a devil, hasn’t it? Don’t get me wrong, a lot of click bait listicles from media outlets are often extremely funny and relatable AF but this topic, “reasons to date a Scouser” tend to always be cringey as hell and riddled with inaccuracies. More often than not, they’re also written by someone who wasn’t born anywhere near a L postcode and grew up calling a Lolly Ice an Ice Lolly.

A couple of years ago, a particularly bad version of this format featured on The Tab and boiled everyone’s piss on Twitter – and rightly so. It was as it was written by someone with an experience of Liverpool that’s been limited to watching a few episodes of Desperate Scousewives and visited Concert Square once.

Seeing as it’s a rainy Tuesday afternoon and I’ve nothing better to do other than watch Louis Theroux documentaries in my underwear and eat multipacks of crisps, I’m going to pick through an article that’s nearly 3 years old and use it as an excuse to big up what actually is good about nabbing yourself a Scouse fella. Don’t ever let it be said I’m not living my best life.

“They’ll often boost your self esteem”

So this is the opener The Tab author chooses to start with. Bit odd don’t you think? Like, are we actually setting the bar so low for men in general that being in a relationship where your self esteem remains intact is top of a list of reasons to date someone?

Anyway, according to them, a Scouser “will always give you a charming nickname like ‘hun’ or ‘babe’ “ and this is apparently a ‘typical Scouse screenshot’.

 

liverpool-blogger

A few things. Firstly, what the hell is the “B-)” about ? If someone sent me that text message I would block their number and report them to the police? Secondly, does this person not have emojis? I know it was 2013 but come on.

The actual point that should have been made is not only will Scouse men boost your self esteem, they’ll also empower you – whether it’s having your back when you go for a new job, or just pouring you a celebratory glass of wine after you took the plunge and got laser hair removal.  For years, the men of Liverpool have always been one step ahead of the rest of the blokes in the country and have never been scared to go out with strong, independent women. Many relationships across the city see the female wear the trousers rather than the bloke and it doesn’t leave the fella feeling emasculated and telling his bird to get back in the kitchen. Basically, Scouse lads aren’t a gang of misogynistic gimps and for that reason alone, they’re worth a right swipe on Tinder.

“They’ll play hard to get”

“They can be pretty hard to please, so they tend to look unimpressed. By everything. But it does mean they’ll keep you on your toes, and when you finally get something right you’ll definitely know about it.”

what-meme

Huh? Why are we making out Scouse lads are miserable bastards and you have to move the earth to get a bit of recognition from them? Sounds like a right joyless relationship.

While it’s not a rule of thumb that Scouse lads always look unimpressed, it is without question that they do always look good. It’s often Scouse birds that get the praise for their appearance (or vile hatred if you’re reading the Daily Mail) but the men of Liverpool deserve an honourable mention for keeping brands like Hugo Boss and North Face in business all these years. Skit them all you want for many of them looking like they’re ready to climb a mountain at all times but have you ever seen a Scouser in grey trackies and not had to take a minute to compose yourself? No one wears them better.

“Your sly mate on the prowl won’t nab them”

“That accent of theirs makes them quite hard to understand, and it can be a right effort to decode. But on the plus side, it will probably put off your mate on heat from trying to chat them up.”

Let me get my head round this one –  are we saying that one of the reasons to date a Scouser is that there’s minimal risk of being cheated on? Again, this is like praising a fish for swimming. The writer of this may want to set the bar low for men elsewhere in the country but it doesn’t need to be scraping along the floor when it comes to Scouse men – we can have high expectations for them.

Let’s look at the fact instead that the Scouse accent is the sexiest thing in the world. Who cares if you claim you can’t understand them (wool) – when someone like Steven Gerrard is talking does it actually matter? Priorities girl.

“You’ll feel better about your own accent and city”

“You just will. I mean, look at Smithdown.

smithdown-liverpool

Because this ONLY happens in Liverpool”

OK babe. Okay. I’ll skip the fact I think it’s weird to choose to live in a city you think is a shithole and jump straight to the benefits that come from having a sofa at a bus stop – the main one being, the fact that this horrendous casting couch is lingering on a pavement means one less rented flat in this city had to be filled with the absolute show of a settee. Stop being so ungrateful – at least there’s somewhere to sit as you wait for your Arriva.

Liverpool is one of the best cities in the country, if not the world, which is evident by all the students that flock to Merseyside each year. The council can’t stop bulldozing clubs and historic buildings to build more accommodation for them. *side eyes to camera*

If you’re lucky enough to be in a relationship with a Scouser and living in Liverpool then you’ve well and truly hit the jackpot. You can look forward to dates in restaurants on a world famous waterfront, drink fabulous cocktails in the latest new bar openings, see film premieres at the wonderful FACT cinema, do unique things like the Williamson Sq tunnels tour, chill out on a sofa at a bus stop on Smithdown – the possibilities are endless.

“They know how to make a good brow”

“They are definitely on point with their eyebrows, and they’ve shown the nation the way. You’ll never have to worry about your brow game again.”

They say even a stopped clock is right twice a day and finally, we have a point that doesn’t infuriate me. Scouse birds have belter brows and if you’re not blessed with a set of brows that could rival Cara’s then a Scouse fella will know exactly where to direct you to get some decent a HD treatment. Believe me, his ex, ma sister, any female he’s encountered will have burnt his head out about eyebrow appointments and the importance of them. He’ll know.

(The place you need redirecting to is Rodney St btw – being single and not having a Scouse fella shouldn’t mean you don’t know where to get good brow.)

“You’ll never have to lend a Scouser your jacket”

“Outwear does not exist on the Scouse dress-code as they are immune to the English weather. Take them on a night out and you can definitely keep your own jacket in the bitter wind and rain.”

Outwear doesn’t exist on the Scouse dress-code? Erm, North Face sales figures in the North West beg to differ. Say what you like about Scouse lads, they always have a coat which would see them prepared to battle all the elements and certainly won’t be wanting to borrow yours. In fact, you’ll be able to borrow theirs when a jacket just doesn’t really go with what you’re wearing, Cher Horowitz style, but by 3am you’re worried you’ve contracted pneumonia.

“Scousers love cheesy chips”

“Cheesy chips & gravy? Even better. Scousers love their grub.”

Let me make this very clear; cheesy chips and gravy is a wool dish.

Not that that’s a bad thing – who doesn’t love cheesy chips and gravy at 4am? It’s just, of all the meals to pick why choose the one not particularly exclusive to Liverpool?

Of course the regional dish that should have been mentioned is a big pat pan of Scouse. Date a Scouse lad and when you have to visit his in laws his ma will make the best bowl of scouse you’ve ever tasted. Even if it isn’t, you better say it is!

“They are down to earth”

“Equipped with sensitive bullshit detectors and rowdy attitudes, a Scouser will never let you become too pretentious.”

Basically what she’s saying here is that Scousers aren’t Tories. That’s a good thing. Good reason.

liverpool

“Your parents will love them”

“Their guttural accents disguise their excessive use of swear words and common term, “like” (pronounced – likghhh).”

Fuck off love.

“They’re easy to get revenge on”

“Mention the words LFC & they’ll go ballistic. Everyone knows real scousers support Everton.”

If you listen to a blue they’ll try have you believe all Evertonians are born on County Road and Anfield is filled with only Norwegian fans each week. Reality is, it’s pretty much a 50/50 split between reds and blues across the city.

Anyway, why have we focused on having a fella it’s easy to get revenge on? So bleak. Instead, focus on the fact that Liverpool is a football mad city and even if you don’t know your offside rule, you’ll still reap the benefits of a boss atmosphere around town when a big game is on. Basically, it’s an excuse to drink isn’t it?

So there we have it. In conclusion, Scouse lads are boss to date because they tend not be be sexist gimps or Tories, they look good and they’re always up for a bev. And what more do you need from a fella tbh?

matthew street liverpool

(Disclaimer: @Zoeyak wasn’t born with anywhere near a L postcode and grew up calling a Lolly Ice an Ice Lolly. She is also a massive hypocrite. But a fab one. Deal with it.)

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