If You Ask Me

You can barely open Instagram these days without seeing a new charcoal product promising to cure your ailments and transform you into a functioning human being. So, because contrary to popular belief I do try to be helpful sometimes, I tried three charcoal products on the market so you don’t have to….

The Charcoal Black Mask

Now, unlike the Love Island contestants milking their 15 minutes of fame for everything it’s worth, I have no fame. So I can tell you honestly that this was a completely impulse purchase from one of those jarg beauty shops in the market for £4.99, that I only bought because the fella talked to me about it for ten minutes and I felt obliged.

The first thing I need to point out is that it takes fucking forever to dry. I had a 35 minute bath and it was still dripping off my forehead – so I came up with the genius idea of blasting my face with the hairdryer, but because my hair was back in a towel I ended up looking like Aileen Wournos.

aileen wournos

Speaking of Aileen, I’m assuming that we’ve all got onto the All Killa No Filla podcast by now? If not, do yourself a favour and have a listen.

Anyway, back on track, it doesn’t hurt. Not like those Facebook videos would have you believe, anyway. I mean, you can feel it yes, but it’s literally the same as every other peel off mask.

It didn’t pull all my blackheads out like those disgustingly satisfying up-close videos, but my skin did feel good afterwards.

In summary, 3/5, it’s worth a fiver.   

The Dark Angels Charcoal Cleanser – Lush

I was invited to a festive event at Lush Spa Liverpool a couple of weeks ago which was a much nice way to spend a dull Monday night than eating my weight in salad wishing it was pizza – well, at least it would have been if it wasn’t for the all-consuming guilt of having slept in my makeup all weekend. Let me tell you, there’s nothing like a fresh faced beauty telling you about skincare products while you’re stood there like a spotty gremlin to make you realise you need to sort your shit out.

I rarely get spots. That’s not a brag; I get wrinkles instead. And fat. But I don’t tend to get spots, but on that day I looked like the girls in ‘Kevin and Perry Go Large’ before their glow up.

Clearly sensing my stress, the girl recommended a charcoal cleanser, promising me the world and more if I used it. I nodded along politely, obviously not believing a word she said, but thinking any cleanser is going to better than using fuck all.

dark angel charcoal cleanser

Honestly though, and I’m not getting paid to say this, this is one thing I would buy again. The next day I had about 50% less blackheads and my skin was glowing. Like I was walking through town actively willing myself to bump into an ex, I felt that good.

It even got rid of all the fake tan bits on your neck; you know the ones? Where you’ve spent the past week layering up your tan for the perfect bronzed look come Saturday… then Monday rolls around and you look like you’ve got scales? Yes, even those bits!

In summary, 5/5 – seriously, get on this one.

The Boom! Toothy Tabs – Lush

And finally, another refugee from the Lush event.

The idea of these charcoal tooth tablets is to bit them, and brush your teeth with the grit.

whitening tooth tablets review

They don’t taste great, not awful, just not great – and I wouldn’t use them instead of regular toothpaste, but after using them once a day (before brushing with normal toothpaste too of an evening) my mum said “don’t bloody smile at me with your big white shark teeth”  in an argument. So that’s all the review I need.

In summary 3/5 – I’d like them as a stocking filler, but probably wouldn’t buy them myself.  

Until next time… x


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