The Holidays

Ahh November, the month where all the ‘unprotected Valentine’s Day sex’ babies make their way into the world, and the unofficial baby shower season.

By this time your pregnant mate is going to be really excited about squeezing an alien out of her lady bits, and you’re expected to be equally as hyped.

This is the baby-build-up climax, and as a friend you are 100% required to turn up to any sort of pre-baby gathering that has been arranged… but you aren’t required to like it.

You thought pretending to be thrilled with 25 photos of a 4D scan, that looks strikingly like Voldemort in a bin bag, was tough? You ain’t seen nothing yet, babe.

Here’s how to survive a baby shower…

Practice your fake smile

It goes without saying that baby showers are essentially a lot of forced ‘ooooh-ing’ and ‘aaaah-ing’ at ridiculously overpriced, vintage-themed baby clothes that make children look like a refugee from the 1940s. If, like me, there will only be so many rompers you can look at without your brain melting, you’re going to need to practice your “oh, that is adorable” face to keep on while you think about more important things, like booze.

baby shower fake smile

Take a hip flask

Speaking of booze, you’d like to think that there will be some sort of adult drinks on offer if you’re going to watch someone else open presents for three hours. But you’d also be surprised how often these events are kept ‘virgin’ – ridiculous really, considering that it’s for the exact opposite of virgin you’re all gathered there in the first place. Just incase, take a hip-flask with you. Trust me, you’ll need something to take the edge off the ‘melted chocolate in the nappy’ game.

hip flask funny blog

Plan your getaway

Baby showers are made up of four sets of people; her family, her friends, his family and her workmates. That makes for a lot of presents, and not nearly enough finger food. To avoid getting repetitive strain disorder from grinning at pair after pair of booties; plan your exit strategy in advance. I usually ‘have to let the dog out’ (if I’m honest, having an excuse to leave social events early is 80% of the reason I got a dog in the first place) but a strategically planned family gathering also works quite well.  

funny baby shower blog

Don’t forget a gift

Let’s face it; baby showers are nothing more than a thinly veiled excuse to get presents. But if you’re not really a baby person and don’t have a clue where to start with baby clothes, go against the grain and get the mum-to-be something for just her instead – after all, the baby is going to be spoiled AF when it arrives, and she’s going to have but in one hell of a graft.

When my best mate fell pregnant 6 years ago, I panic-bought a bottle of her favourite drink, which just so happens to be tequila. Straight. No lemon. But now people are actually getting pregnant on purpose, there’s no excuse not to have a few go-to gifts in mind. Here’s some ideas:

Alcohol: Il Gusto do the cutest personalised bottles of spirits and liquors. The gingerbread man or the high heel that I showcased on my Instagram are perfect for mums, and if you know the baby’s name in advance, have it written on the bottle so you and the new mum can wet the baby’s head in style. Or, if she’s had a rough pregnancy, you might want to go for a bottle of the hard stuff, like my current favourite, Four Roses Bourbon.

Candles: Candles are my go-to gift for pretty much anything if I’m honest. Birthdays, get them a nice candle. Christmas, get them a candle. Fella dumped them via text, get them a candle. Swerve the standard Yankee and grab a Mummy Loves Organics one – I love these because they melt into a  massage oil, so it can double up as a pamper product too.

Cheap thrills: After growing a human for 9 months, the very least your mate deserved is a decent orgasm. Not only to Sent to Thrill have a range of vibrators and novelty cock rings to help new parents get their sex lives back on track, (I’d recommend the little dipper box as a present to be discreet at the present opening ceremony) but they’ve also got a whole host of products to help women with any pelvic floor issues they might have after giving birth.

Baby room decor: And finally, if you feel like you need to get something for the new addition, but really can’t bring yourself to go baby-grow shopping, get something fabulous for the baby’s room. Melody Maison is my go-to place for all things shabby-chic and gorgeous.

Until next time… x

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