So this week I started my new job which, as with any new chapter is exciting and terrifying all at once.

You invariably spend the week riding an emotional roller coaster dipping between feeling like you’re smashing it, to feeling like you haven’t got a clue what you’re doing in life or why anyone trusted you to do anything in the first place. Here are some of the things that always happen in the first week of any new job.

first week new job funny

1. You’ll be asked to introduce yourself along with an interesting fact, and realise that you’re the most boring person alive.

2. If you don’t catch someone’s name during the initial traipse around, you’ll avoid them for the next month. Longer if possible.

3. You’ll stock up on brand new stationary. Including post it notes, despite the fact that the only time you ever used a post-it in your last job was to stick an hand-drawn dick onto your mate’s screen.

4. Dying of thirst will be more appealing than daring to make a cup of tea on your first day and risk entering into any brew-round politics.

5. You’ll have a quick mooch in the documents folder of your new computer, just to see if anything interesting has been left. Bonus points if you find nudes.

6. Every day you’ll have the mental battle between whether you should ask your busy colleagues questions and be a pain in the dick, or wing it and fuck everything up.

7. You’ll get up early to get ready – a process that will deteriorate gradually until somewhere down the line you’ll find yourself lashing foundation on with one hand, holding a coffee in the other and driving with your knees trying to fit a 20 minute journey into 3.

8. Eventually – and you’re not too sure when this happens – but everything will start to seem less overwhelming and you’ll realise there was nothing to worry about – you’ve got this.

Until next time… x



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