August 4, 2017 in Category Scarlett Life...

Clear your search history

I feel obliged to start by saying this post isn’t suitable for reading out to your Nan, so if that’s how you’re planning to spend your visit today, I’d swerve it. It’s also not suitable for people who don’t have a sense of humour.

Elf is a film for life, not just for Christmas – don’t even try to fight me on this. It’s perfect for hangovers for three reasons:

  1. It makes feel all warm and fuzzy inside, helping you to temporarily forget any all-consuming regret you might have from the night before.
  2. You can drift off and not be completely lost when you wake up
  3. Watching Will Ferrell eat syrup on spaghetti puts into perspective the multipack of crisps you’ve eaten your way through for breakfast.

Last weekend when I was watching it in my cocooned state after a particularly heavy work night out, I started thinking about the scene where Tyrion Lannister is fuming because he thinks Will Ferrell is skitting him for being a dwarf.

I rang my fella.

“It must be hard, don’t you think, for dwarves in business to be taken seriously in some managerial roles.”

“What the fuck are we talking about now?”

“Dwarves, babe. Like, people can be such cunts at the best of times – I bet they come against a lot of dickheads when they’re climbing the career ladder. Don’t you think?

“I’d just go into porn if it were me.”

“Pardon?”

“Dwarf porn. It’s massive. They get paid a bomb I reckon.”

Call me naive but I didn’t actually think dwarf porn was a thing. Google told me differently. It took approximately 0.7 seconds to find a video of an orgy with both dwarves, regular heighted people, men, women – you know just a big fucking orgy. Exactly what you’d expect.

I’m not even ashamed to say I watched it for about 10 seconds to confirm, then carried on with my day.

So anyway, the following day I went to get my lashes done – as I do every other week so people actually know that I’m a girl – and I was saying how they were wrecked because I’d put eyeliner on a few days before.

A, who is an absolute stunner and amazing at lashes, was telling me about an eyeliner especially for people who get lash extensions. “Eyar,” she says, “go on this website I’ll show you.”

Can you see where this is going?

Without a second thought I get Chrome up on my phone and, sure enough, there’s a freeze frame of a girl sucking off a fella (a dwarf, incidentally.)

She saw it. I saw it. We both very much knew what was going on.

Like, what do you even say? How do you even go about trying to explain that??

I bet she told everyone in the salon. And the cleaner. And the fella who pops in every week with a backpack selling blag Kylie lip palettes.

Taxi for Scarlett, please… x

 

 

1 comment… read it below or add one

Bella August 8, 2017 at 9:59 am

Hahahahaha this kind of stuff is the reason I love this blog!!

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