Dating Disasters…

The British media are evil, unforgiving bastards…

Why…?

Like we don’t already feel sufficiently guilty about the sheer amount of food and alcohol we’ve gorged ourselves with over the last two weeks, but the British media deem it necessary to force us to watch the likes of Martine McCutcheon and The Redknapps *(among various other fit-as-a-fiddle celebrities, who I can only assume never once got home, pissed at 4am pissed on Christmas Eve, only to unwrap and consume the entire box of fancy belgium chocolates they had bought for their boyfriends mum, along with half a tub of Pringles. In one sitting…) flaunting their rock-hard bodies and lack of hangovers all over our screens during every ad-break.

But if it’s not enough to make us all feel depressed, now the nasty fuckers have started to prey on the single.

Subtley slipped in amongst the fad-diets and fitness equipment adverts, we suddenly have an influx of dating websites, targeting the vulnerable single people who are unable to bear facing those god-awful questions at family gatherings about why you’re still “on the shelf” again next year.

So, should you decide to treat yourself to a hotdesperatepeople.co.uk subscription this New Year, I wish you all the best in your dating endevours…

…but, due to the fact that a whole truckload of mutants may well have had the same idea this January, flooding the database with dating-disasters waiting to happen, here are three of my dating disasters – that all  happened within 8 months of  one another - just to remind you that you’re not alone….

1) The Builder…

Ahhh The Builder; a prime example of why snogging a random person in a club, giving them your number and forgetting the entire night almost immediately never pays off.

For a start, when I agreed to meet him at the cinema I had absolutely no recolection of what he looked like – which put me in a horrifically awkward situation when he turned up twenty minutes late with his two friends.

Seriously.

Sticking around purely based on the fact he was a lot more attractive than I had expected, I soon realised his brains had been replaced by biceps and he was completely devoid of personality. However, the second awkward moment came when I realised he had a wandering eye… causing me to answer a number of his questions that were actually directed towards one of his little minions.

I finally walked out when he left me at a bowling alley bar without a drink, while he went to challenge his friends to a game of pool.

2) The Recovering Alcoholic…

Another example of the dangers of meeting someone in a bar! This started of suprisingly well; we had a few nice phone conversations that eventually led to his asking me for dinner on bonfire night. However, any illusions that I may have had about romance and fireworks were immediately shattered when he turned up half-canned and proceeded to burst into tears over our starter. As he hysterically sobbed into his garlic bread, he told me how he’s fallen off the wagon… only to then disappear into the toilet for 25 minutes, I can only assume to throw up. 

  3) The Friend…

It’s always a risk to go on a date with a mate, because more often than not it doesn’t work out – so 5 minutes before this one I rang to try and cancel, only for my mother to wrestle the phone off me and force me out the door with the instruction, “don’t stand him up it’ll embarrass him, instead I’ll ring you in ten minutes with an excuse for you to leave”  - a promise, of course, she proceeded to break. I don’t know whether he was nervous, or was having second thoughts but he didn’t say a word for the entire half hour train journey to the pictures - except to skit me. Of course already being friends we had covered most small-talk topics, leaving me to ramble on about how I’d just had to bath my dog, what I’d had for dinner and other inane things.

When we finally made it to the cinema and the sweet refuge of  a loud film, he decided to finally show some sign that he wanted to be there, in the form of putting his completely straight, rigid arm behind my back, forcing me to sit through the entire two hours sloped forward like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. After arriving home hoarse, mentally exhausted and with a crick in my back I swore to myself that I would never go on a date again.

Five years later and that awkward mate somehow ended up being the same one I mentioned in my last post.

He still skits me, sits like an awkward scarecrow and leaves me to ramble on about the inane details of my day to day life, but somehow it works.

So I guess those dating disasters aren’t ALWAYS pointless.

Happy New Year Hotties, make this a good one!

*For the record, I am in no way complaining about seeing Jamie Redknapp’s body on my television screen every fifteen minutes. In fact, if there was a channel dedicated to Jamie Redknapp emerging from the sea like this I would blog a hell of a lot less.

12 comments… read them below or add one

Jenn January 2, 2012 at 6:19 pm

This made me chuckle!! LOLOL!! Kinda cool you ended up with The Friend (thanks Mom!).

I’ve had a few dating disasters–but too scared to write about them for fear of embarrassing myself. Yes–I’m an interesting subject.

Cheers, Jenn.

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Daphne January 2, 2012 at 6:57 pm

Oh Lord, Jen! I have some stories about dating that rival yours. Nothin’ personal, of course, Darlin’ but all I can say is “Thank Gawd those days are behind me!”
One of my more “memorable” dating disasters was really sort of a mixed bag like yours with your friend. I schlepped to the Bronx from Manhattan to go out with this guy who was, if memory serves, a male nurse (plenty to skit there, eh?). He seemed pretty nice and had a nice smile, but I should have known better when he asked me if he could tell me something at the risk of offending me.
Word to the wise, Darlin’? ALWAYS answer “No” to that question. Hindsight is 20/20….
Anyway, I figured as a reporter I’d heard it all, so how bad could his comment be, really? “Shoot,” I said.
His reply” You have a really nice rack!”
Picture me rolling my eyes, even today years later…. As we Jewish folk say, “Oy!”

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Christina Majaski January 2, 2012 at 10:49 pm

The alcoholic. Well now, he sounds familiar. Luckily you ended up with the friend. Seems to have been a much better choice ;)

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Amberr Meadows January 3, 2012 at 12:26 am

The musclehead sounds like a real jackass. Every time I start missing the single life (even though I love my family) I need to read posts like this. You are talented.

Happy New Year! :-)

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Carola January 3, 2012 at 7:00 pm

Glad that last one ended up working out well for you. Did you ever date The Baker? You know, the one that can’t stop trying to put his hands in the dough from the get go… What a disaster ;) Happy 2012

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Monica January 4, 2012 at 5:05 pm

3 horrifically bad dating experiences in one year isn’t that bad…is it? They do sound pretty bad though, hehe.

Am I the only one who wants to know more about you coming home at 4am on xmas eve and monching choccies from under the tree? Hilarious!

And I am sick and tired of Martine McCutchen eaten looking so fricking gorgeous while she eats yoghurt on TV. Activia yoghurt’s aren’t even nice!

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ShimonZ January 5, 2012 at 8:54 am

Probably, the best thin when going on a date like that, is to lower expectations waaaay down. Maybe… if we have some good luck, we’ll meet an interesting person. After all there are so many people in this wide world… and what is the chance that I’ll meet someone just right for me? But as we keep meeting people, it does happen sometimes. And at the worst, it can make an amusing story… like this one, for instance.

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Jen January 5, 2012 at 11:18 am

Jenn – sounds intreguing, would love to here your disatsters!x

Daphne – Haha, what a smooth talker!! Really though, why are there so many creeps out there?!x

Christina – I know, I guess he did me a favour turning up drunk early on lol!x

Amber – ahh thankyou lovely :) what a lovely thing to say x

Carola – Haha! Happy new year my darling x

Monica – Haha, yeah it wasn’t one of my finest moments :| classy bird! x

Shimon – You’re totally right, the fairytales were right, you have to kiss some frogs to find a prince I guess x

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Anthony January 7, 2012 at 10:53 pm

Pahahaha nice to know I’m not the only one with dating disasters, and nice that you ended on a happy note :)

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Bec February 13, 2012 at 10:52 am

I have a few pearlers in my repertoire but a personal favourite is the date I didn’t even know I was on. Valentine’s Day 2009, I agree to meet a new friend I met while travelling in Hanoi. We met in the city centre and he led me to the Ho Chi Minh Mausoleum. I have never been a lover of Valentine’s Day so travelling afforded me the luxury of forgetting it existed. I was reminded however after ogling the cold dead hands of a dead Vietnamese revolutionary when my ‘friend’ started with the moves like Jagger. I wasn’t exactly feeling it, embalmed corpses of men that resemble the KFC mascot have never really done it for me.

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Jen February 13, 2012 at 11:16 am

Anthony: I think everyone’s got some horrible dating skeletons in their closets! would love to hear your horror stories!

Bec: Oh my god, that sounds horrible!! I’m with you on that one though – wine and flowers beat corpses hands down when it comes to turning it on! x

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Sergey March 4, 2012 at 10:40 pm

A few years ago I arranged to meet this women for a first date. I stusegged we meet up in a public place, so we ended up meeting in Manchester city centre. we shopped for a bit and then decided to go to a restaurant for dinner.the night was going great until my date’s neighbours (an older couple) also came into the restaurant. they spoke to my date and the 2 women on the table next to us. these 2 women turned out to be my date’s mother and gran yes, she had rang them to get them to come to the restaurant on some covert mission to check me out. the older couple coming into the restaurant had unintentionally just blown the secrecy of their plan.when everyone realised what was going on the awkwardness was unbearable.needless to say, that date did not proceed much further and no, I didn’t offer to pay for the mother and gran’s bill!

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