Whether it’s setting fire to the microwave whilst attempting to melt cheese slices over koka noodles, or nearly hospitalising your fella while getting a bit too creative with raw sushi, we’ve all had a kitchen nightmare that would have Gordon Ramsey shrieking obscenities at us.
And, despite what your Instagram reel may have us believe about your culinary skills – (sorry, but one well-lit shot of avocado on toast doesn’t make you a Michelin chef), I guarantee you will have failed at least one of the following meals on your journey of learning to cook.
Your fella’s parents
So things have finally hit that stage between you and your fella – it’s time to meet the parents. You get to find out just whether the apron strings have been cut with his mother and, more importantly, a glimpse into what your spouse will look like in the future via his father. Naturally, you’ll be nervous so – in his infinite wisdom – your boyfriend decides to pile on even more pressure by suggesting that you’ll cook.
Maybe you’ll prepare a traditional roast for two committed vegans, (something your fella naturally neglected to tell you) or perhaps you’ll just overcook everything and have to sit through an awkward hour of his mother politely moving food around her plate. Whatever it is, something is guaranteed to go wrong and will not be plain sailing. The best you can hope for is that the only thing you’ll cock up mismatching the wine to the meal, (although any bottle of 7 quid pinot goes perfect with any type of food and is quite fancy enough IMO.)
It’s Saturday night; you’ve been on the salad graft all week and you’re determined not to ruin it this weekend. You starve yourself all day to look good in your outfit and nail the vodka diet cokes.
But obviously, because you’ve not eaten anything heavier than a rice cake all day, you’re spinning around the nearest pole screaming ‘Lemonade’ lyrics at the nearest group of lads after three drinks and a sniff of tequila.
You make it home, resisting the urge to bribe your cab driver into going through the Maccies drive-thru, but by the time you’re in bed, all you can think about is food. Luckily there’s a pizza in the freezer. You throw the pizza in the oven, only to – of course – falling a kip only to wake up to the smell of burning and a black, rock hard frisbee cindering in the oven. Still, it’s easiest way you’ll ever burn 1000 calories.
The aphrodisiac meal
Anyone who’s seen the Sex and the City movie and witnessed Sam’s failure with mixing sex and sushi should already be well aware of the perils of incorporating food into bedroom activities. If one of the most glamourous, sexiest women in TV can’t make it work, there’s little hope for us with some salmon skin rolls from the local Tesco.
Food and sex is best kept separate; afternoon tea or afternoon delight – pick one.
Anything The Body Coach features on his Instagram
Are we all familiar with Joe Wicks aka The Body Coach? If not, go and google him – I’ll wait. Right? Famous for his love of the Lucy B and his #LeanIn15 meals. No one is denying the boy can cook, and he is certainly easy on the eye but after a few videos you’ll suddenly become distracted. Do I want to sleep with him or do I want to punch him? Would he keep that persona up IRL? Urgh, after sex he’d say something like “That was a good HIIT session, wasn’t it?” and wink, wouldn’t he? Why does he do those voices? Who loves coconut oil this bloody much?
Before you know it, you’ve spent three hours watching his videos, half an hour debating whether you could actually bear to sleep with him or not and added him on Snapchat. No meal has been created, so much for Lean In 15 eh?
Until next time… x