The emotional stages of a juice detox

We’re three weeks into January, and if you haven’t spectacularly fallen of the diet wagon head first into a sea of Greggs sausage rolls, then well-fucking-done you, please be smug elsewhere.

See that’s the thing with January; part of you, (the same part that vowed not to drink after New Year’s eve) wants to chase your dreams and enter spring with that elusive bikini body from that Pinterest ‘fitspo’ board you made. The other part of you, (the same part that had cracked open a bottle of prosecco by January 3rd) wants to watch Netflix from the comfort of a blanket, only moving to dust the food crumbs off you occasionally.

But, with February just around the corner, you start snarling your the panic starts to set in – and you might be tempted to embark on some serious damage control. It’s then, at your most vulnerable moment, that you agree to a three-day juice cleanse. Because you’re a masochist.

Here’s how it’s going to go:


“It’s only three days. That’s nothing. It’ll be easy.” And on the first day it is. Yeah, you’re hungry by bedtime, but it’s not soul destroying. You even tell yourself you’re going to do this at least two days a week until summer. You have no idea how rough this journey is going to get.juice cleanse blog funny


Hanger is a real thing, guys. The first (and last) time I gave a juice cleanse a try I was so hungry and emotional  on day 2 I called my ex fella a ‘cruel gobshite’ and told him to fuck off and die in the middle of The Asda cos he dared to buy cakes for a charity bake sale in front of me. No regrets to be honest.

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Ok, you know it says not to eat or drink anything but the juices and water, but a tin of soup doesn’t count, does it? What about a brew? What the fuck do you mean you’re not allowed any caffeine? The whole reality of your new, joyless, existence finally hits you.

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Everything is awful. You’ve woken up to no breakfast for the third fucking day in a fucking row and there’s absolutely no FUCKING point in getting out of bed. Trying to focus on anything except what everyone around you is eating is impossible and all you want to do is curl up and cry. Which you eventually do, in the toilets of work.

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By the evening of the third day you now longer feel human emotion. You’re a broken shell of your former self, going through the motions, and counting downt he hours before you can go to bed. Luckily, it’s over tomorrow and at 9pm you finally get a surge of hope. A surge of hope that looks a lot like a 20 piece box of maccies nuggets.

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So do they work? Well yes, of course they work. You’re consuming nothing but liquid for three days, of course you’re going to lose weight.

I lost 6lbs and kept it off, but those three days were utterly miserable. I was tired, attempting to focus on anything except what everyone around me was eating was impossible and my stomach felt like a washing machine. When the ordeal was finally over I woke up after a heavy night of Prosecco and poor choices, cradling a pizza box with an empty yogurt tub in bed with me. No spoon though. I must have drank it straight from the pot.

Until next time.. x

If you liked this: Have a read of my dabble in the world of juice cleanses or read some of my favourite diet horror stories.

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