Paddy’s day is upon us once more, so as I cake my tits in green glitter ready to pretend to like Guinness for 24 hours, I’ve handed the reigns over to professional fabhead Zoe Yak to give you the low down of all the people yu’ll encounter if you’re heading out tonight. Scarlett xx
We all know the origins of St Patrick’s Day don’t we? No need for give everyone a quick history lesson, is there?
While March 17 is a day of celebration for one of Ireland’s patron saints, (although apparently he’s not actually a saint but that’s another story for another time) and Irish culture, it’s not limited to just being celebrated in Ireland; in countries all across the globe people with Irish heritage (and even those without) raise a glass of Guinness to St Patrick.
Even if you haven’t been able to get a RyanAir flight over to Dublin for the big day, you’re still likely to encounter one of the following cliches.
Spoiler Alert: All the dickheads are English.
The Brexit Da
You will not see him in a pub celebrating as he is “ENGLISH AND PROUD” (which you can also tell from his profile picture of a British Bulldog.). Instead, you’ll encounter this breed online; mainly over on Facebook, their natural environment. He’ll be asking his 345 friends whether they will be celebrating St George’s Day with the same enthusiasm as they’re toasting St Patrick with? No of course they won’t BECAUSE IT’S NOT A BANK HOLIDAY, (he likes to type in capitals to get his point across.) We took back control when we voted Brexit so why haven’t we made 23rd April a National Holiday yet? This leads him nicely to promote his Change.Org petition urging the government to finally get round to giving workers St George’s Day off BECAUSE IT’S NOT RACIST TO BE PROUD OF BEING ENGLISH. He’s tagged Nigel Farage in it.
2 likes. 14 signatures.
He’s not allowed to see the kids unsupervised.
The Old Man Regular
He’s been in Wetherspoons since it opened and he’s on his 3rd pint of Guinness by midday. The bar staff have shoved a novelty hat on him.
He’s no idea it’s St Patrick’s Day – this is just a regular Friday for him.
The Piers Morgan-esque Dickhead
When you describe someone as a Piers Morgan Dickhead it can be hard to guess which characteristic they share with the loathsome media personality – His fear of tits? Perhaps they’re both fond of ‘allegedly’ hacking phones? Brown nosing Trump? Piers Morgan certainly has a lot of strings to his dickhead bow but the one we’re looking at today is his fondness to proclaim he’s Irish when he’s in fact not.
The Sussex born journalist who splits his time between London and the U.S (and likes to lash out at actual Irish people who rightly exercise their right to refuse to sing the British national anthem and claims to have never heard of B*Witched) is very keen to claim he’s Irish when it suits him.
He’s basically the lad in the bar you’ll meet at around 11pm who’ll bore you claiming he’s Irish because his grandad’s babysitter once went to Dublin on holiday.
The Sex Pest
He’s got absolutely no interest in Ireland, St Patrick’s Day and doesn’t even really like Guinness but he’ll be damned if he’s missing out on a chance to sexually harasses women in broad daylight. He’ll be outside the pub, smoking, and intimidating women walking past minding their own business by jumping out and pointing at his ‘Kiss Me, I’m Irish T-Shirt’. He takes things from a bit of jovial banter to ‘the reason women walk home with keys in their hands’ when he requests a kiss one too many times.
The Sexy Leprechaun
I have the upmost respect for women who can turn even the ugliest fancy dress into something glamorous and revealing with just the tiniest nod to the original outfit so I have all the time in the world for the ladies who’ll be braving the weather dressed as sexy leprechauns. Godspeed girls.
Until next time xx