When I started seeing my ex-boyfriend I was 18 and our first date was organised using my gem-encrusted Nokia 3310.

Not long after he was given the (highest) honour of a place in my MySpace Top 8, (third after my two best mates, obviously, ovaries before brovaries and all that.)

Fast forward eight years and I’ve found myself newly single, and the dating game has changed dramatically.

I mean, if I thought it was brutal to angrily rearrange your friends list in a passive aggressive display of fury if the lad you fancied took too long to reply, then judge them on their shitty choice of song back in the days of MySpace, then I was in no way prepared for dating in an age of Facebook, Instagram and Tinder.

So let’s talk about Tinder shall we.

I want to start by saying I was 100%, definitely never, ever in a million years going to sign up.

So why the fuck did I?

Well, quite frankly, I suffer from a crippling case of being a nosey bitch and I can’t stand feeling left out of conversations.

So a few days ago – as I watched my mates swiping away whilst nonchalantly humming Beyonce’s ‘to the left to the left’ like the cruel wenches that they are – my morbid curiosity took over and I thought, “fuck it, let’s see what this is all about”.

Now, if you’re single and you want to get sucked into a dark world where morals are a loose concept, only to emerge two hours later; repetitive strain disorder in your thumb from swiping and a lot more dubious of the human race than before – then I’d definitely recommend downloading Tinder.

I was barely on there for an hour and I had already seen some lad I snogged when I was 14, three vile and, quite honestly, aggressive looking penises and – probably the scariest of all – some lad dressed as a sad clown.

So I realised; Tinder isn’t where you’re going to find your soul mate, it’s about discovering a whole new cross-section of bizarre people that exist mere miles from your own front door.

worst people on tinder

If you do sign up for Tinder expect men such as:

The “have you seen the size of this fucking fish?” guy

Who knew urban fishing in Liverpool was such a big thing? Not me. But apparently it is because every Tom, Dick and Harry seems to be out there every weekend, holding some sort of oversized marine-life.

The headless torso

Lads, it doesn’t matter whether you have a six pack or a 20 pack – if you only show photos of your abs then we’re still going to assume you’ve got some sort of hideous deformity. Put it away.

The “I swear down, this isn’t my baby” guy

“Show her the baby, bitches love babies” is what I imagine this lad slurred to himself as he uploaded his profile picture with one eye open. But his bio will quickly clarify that, honest, he didn’t father the child, nor did he find it on the street. Well, thank fuck for that.

The ‘you won’t get out of the date alive’ psycho

Is dead a colour? Because that’s what colour this lad’s eyes are.

His photos are dark and grainy, leaving you wondering whether they were taken with a decade-old webcam, or whether they’re just stills from a video he recorded in his parents’ basement. Swipe left prin, quick as you can.

The… oh fuck it, I’m out

This lad will have you questioning everything about humanity. He’s probably sat on the bonnet of his car – naked – with nothing but a small ‘Where’s Wally’ cap covering his genitalia, (yeah, I’m looking at you, John, 28 from Huyton) or he’ll have a photo so ludicrous that you almost consider swiping right just so you can grill him about it.

Ultimately this will be the guy that forces you to delete Tinder from your life forever.

But just as you get to the ‘remove profile’ screen, a noti will pop up on your phone about that one fitty that you actually swiped right to.

“It’s a match” – oh is it yeah? Well, it can’t hurt to stick around a bit longer…

Until next time… x

 

 

 

8 comments… read them below or add one

Vanessa D. October 16, 2014 at 12:45 am

I tried on-line dating once briefly – like maybe four weeks. While I realize that 43 on the brink of 44 is not young, the men in my target age group – 45-50 – looked older than my 70 yr old father. Or they were weird – like the guy who was supposedly way turned on by the fact I smoke. Or they were living in their mom’s basement and didn’t work – because adding a dependent to my life just as my children are leaving the nest is completely irresistible. Dogs and cats are good company.

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kate October 16, 2014 at 7:18 am

Woah. I am SO glad that I am way to old and un-techy to do all this. Fun to hear about, but a terrifying thought. Thank you for being my ears and eyes in the modern world, I owe you.
And good luck :-)

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Angry Wooderson October 16, 2014 at 3:21 pm

Yeah… Tinder confuses me, too. The thing shows pictures and 80 character descriptions, yet people type in all caps “Not looking for hookups!” I’m not judging. But it just seems like the equivalent of being handed a portfolio of headshots and being asked to choose your next serious relationship. I mean, good luck looking for love, but methinks Tinder is not the place. Do these same people frequent their local McDonald’s and are confused they can’t get a nice bowl of Pad Thai?

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snowbird October 16, 2014 at 7:35 pm

I laughed out loud reading this!! xxx

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Paula October 16, 2014 at 8:37 pm

One day I’ll hear a success story about a love match made on Tinder . . . and it will probably be exactly that. A story. I have not heard one good thing about it yet…

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Lady Jewels Diva October 17, 2014 at 12:44 am

I’m 40 and will NEVER do shit like Tinder.

Ugh, the dregs of society seem to reside on sites like these and then women who meet some man on it end up dead, like what happened here in Aus.

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Teffy October 17, 2014 at 1:08 pm

Oh how you make me laugh!!
A few of my friends (both guys and girls) are on tinder, so I’ve definitely seen how it works! Some of the photos out there are…. interesting, to say the least! All the luck to ya!

{Teffy’s Perks} X

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Katie October 21, 2014 at 3:34 pm

Jen your writing never fails to make me laugh! I love this. I have to admit, I’ve never used Tinder and have no idea how to, but it does sound like a fun dating tool! Even if you don’t actually get a date from it. It’s fun to be secretly judgemental!

Katie <3

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