The Scarlett guide to dumping someone

It’s shit, but sometimes relationships just don’t work out…

It might not be that your significant other has necessarily done anything specific to piss you off to the point of no return; maybe it’s timing, maybe it’s their personality, maybe you’ve just grown apart… hey, maybe it’s you. It doesn’t matter; sometimes things don’t work out.

But however bad things have got, however much both parties know that it’s coming to an end, no-one ever really wants to be the one to initiate the “it’s over” conversation.

Trust me, if I could give you the perfect script and an air bag, (should the dumpee take it badly/cry aggressively/throw things etc.) but in reality, there is no perfect way to end a relationship.

Every situation is different and it depends on the reasons for the breakup, the length of relationship and how many schizophrenic characteristics your, soon to be, ex holds.

how to dump someone

That said, there are ways and means to dump someone that are bound to end in tears…

Places To Avoid

From an early age we’ve been told that dumping someone over the phone is the worst thing a person can do. Make that phone call and you’re immortal soul is destined to roam the fiery fields of hell for all eternity.

Well, contrary to popular belief, I actually think calling it a day over the phone can sometimes be forgiven.

For example, If the relationship is in its very early days, (or if it’s clear that they’re going to end it if you don’t get in there first) there’s really no reason to drag someone out of the house for an awkward and uncomfortable face-to-face chat when the whole ordeal can be done and dusted without even putting on some pants.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s certainly not OK to end a relationship over the phone if you’ve been together over 6 months, live together or have babies/animals together. All I’m saying is that, in this day and age there are far worse methods of  calling it a day.

Text: Never OK. No excuses. You’re a coward and I hope you feel ashamed of yourself. Gobshite. (If this happens to you I suggest you pretend you didn’t get the message and go round to theirs, just to subject them to the awkward conversation that they deserve.)

Facebook: Dumping someone by changing your relationship status is lizardy, Jeremy Kyle-esque behaviour. It’s also an open invitation for any of their psychotic friends to get involved and verbally assassinate you.

Remember, anything you do on Facebook is essentially like getting everyone you know into a room and making an announcement, so if you wouldn’t air your dirty laundry in real life, don’t do it virtually either*.

Your House: Inviting them over to yours for the ‘talk’ might seem like a nice, sensible idea. Until, of course, you find yourself with a stubborn dumpee, refusing to accept the inevitable. Not only is there nowhere to for you to go, but it’s your possessions they could potentially start smashing up.

Either go to theirs where you can make a quick exit or, better yet, a public place where you’re on neutral ground… and there are witnesses.

During Sex: Think of it like this, delicate body parts and angry ex’s are never a good mix.

What not to say

Avoid Clichés: “It’s not you, it’s me” roughly translates to, “It’s literally everything about you” and, more often than not, “I’m fucking someone else”
Clichés are only going to piss off whoever’s on the receiving end, which is a bad move if your dumping them because they’re a bit mental.

Don’t Get Too Personal: Pointing out each and every one of your other half’s flaws whilst their crying into a bucket of ice cream is a just sly – their annoying habits aren’t your problem anymore so keep quiet and just feel bad for their next victim.

The aftermath

Be nice: Although you might feel like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders now that you’ve dropped the bombshell, your ex is probably spending their nights unwashed, tucking into tub after tub of Ben and Jerry’s and screaming Adele lyrics at their cats.

So give it a while before you announce your new relationship on social media – and try not to get caught having casual sex with their friends or relatives. Depending on the length of the relationship, two/three months is a decent time to wait before being known to be actively dating, otherwise just keep it to yourself.

BTW, this still applies if your ex is gallivanting around town shagging anything with a pulse, or if they’ve moved on quicker. It’s not a competition, so just because they’re doing it doesn’t mean you should too. Keep your dignity.

Late Night Booty Calls: When it comes to exes, booty calls are never really off the table, and there’s always the chance you’ll get that 3am text asking for you to go round. Don’t.

I don’t care  how drunk or horny you are, going round will only be giving them false hope – and you’ll fully deserve the torrent of abuse you’re guaranteed to get when you set things straight the next morning.

Psychos: If you wake up with any dead animal’s heads in bed with you, or any of your pets mysteriously get boiled, it is perfectly acceptable protocol to take out a restraining order – but, before you do, raise a glass to to dodging the proverbial bullet!

Until next time… x 

*This is equally applicable to people who post horrible photos, public displays of affection and/or home made pornos to their profile.

 You may also like:

How to get over a breakup

The 14 people you meet at weddings

Public service announcement: stalking safely

2 comments… read them below or add one

Alison November 27, 2011 at 10:05 am

Ha ha, this is hysterical! Singing Adele songs to the cat – love it :-)


Erik November 27, 2011 at 10:14 am

I’m so glad I’m married!

(To be fair, when I was single, I never did the dumping.)


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