Mad isn’t it, to think that you can be 107 weeks deep into an Instagram stalk of your fella’s ex, while somewhere out there your ex’s new girlfriend is probably doing the same on yours.
And so the circle of crank is complete.
“No, I don’t look at other people’s profiles, I have far too much to do.” OK hun, why ya lying for? We’ve all done it at some point; found ourselves knee deep in a social media stalk, knowing full well that one rogthumb spasm and it’s over. So now we can admit that,let’s take a look at some of the people who have probably had a good nose through your social media profiles in the last month.
Your ex’s new bird/fella
Contrary to popular belief, your ex probably isn’t the number one spectator of your profile. In actual fact they’re probably avoiding it like the plague because A) they don’t want to subject themselves to your new life without them… or, B) because they genuinely don’t give a fuck anymore (soz). In reality, undesirable number one stalking your every move is much more likely to be your ex’s new girlfriend or boyfriend.
And probably at least three of their closest friends… who have left-clicked on your profile pic to see the first one your ever uploaded in 2006 to send to their group chat to absolutely slaughter you.
In their defence, it’s only human nature to want to know what came before; so just as the cavemen left paintings on walls, we leave fire selfies for the viewing pleasure of the next person to come along.
Your new fella/bird’s ex
Rest assured, in the same way that your replacement is probably keeping tabs on you too. Scrolling. Judging.
The person who has no idea how they got here
This person started off looking at someone else’s profile, and the next thing they know they’ve done the rounds of their cousin’s, wife’s, hairdressers and somehow landed on your profile, glassy eyed, looking at your holiday photos from 2010 wondering what the hell they’re doing with their life.
The hate stalker
This person hates you with a passion, but instead of just getting on with their lives, they spend their time dissecting every single thing you upload. Of course, you could go private – but you wouldn’t want to deprive them of their hobby.
Finally, your number one fan will always be there to share you selfies and ruin your hilariously worded statues with an inane comment.
Until next time… happy stalking x