January 15, 2012 in Category Food & Drink,Hangovers,Scarlett Guides To Life...

So You’ve Ruined Your Life… Indecent Exposure

So You’ve Ruined Your Life… The Sunday Morning Scarlett Guide To Damage Control

Sunday morning; you’ve woken up to the glowing sun shining through your curtains, the birds are singing, you don’t have to go to work… and for a few seconds everything is right with the world…

Until you remember that you went out last night.

Oh god, it’s all flooding back now isn’t it. The flailing around dancing , the random stranger you snogged… the shots.

Ahhh you remember the shots don’t you? But what was after the shots again? You forage around to find your phone from deep within the covers… oh and there it is.

You’ve woken up on a beautiful Sunday morning to the realisation that you’ve ruined your life…

Sound familiar? Thought so.

The good news is, you’re not alone. I can can guarantee that whatever you did last night, someone else has done the same, only worse.

Probably me.

So before you freak out and vow to never leave your bedroom again, lets see how we can salvage the situation.

 …Part One: Indecent Exposure…

Even if you’re a class A hottie or have just recently invested in cosmetic surgery… flashing, stripping or getting in any way naked in public is always a bad idea, especially in a world of smartphones and Facebook. So if you’re the type who tends to get the “naked itch” after a few drinks (there’s one in every group; a friend of mine actually met her boyfriend of  six years during one particularly heavy night when she decided to run down the pier in her bra) I suggest that you stick with someone either very boring or very judgemental post 1am to ensure that you don’t get too carried away.

Of course, if you’re reading this it’s more than likely that you’ve already exposed your genitals to the world and the above advice is absolutely useless… so what you need now is damage control.

Most importantly you need to find out if any photographic evidence exists of your misdemeanor.

If it doesn’t consider yourself a very lucky and don’t dwell on the witnesses. Suck it up, get out of bed and laugh it off in the knowledge that you’ve just dodged a serious bullet.

If it does… First things first, you need to get rid of the evidence from any of the various social media platforms it could be on.

With any luck the person uploaded it when drunk and feels a bit bad about it, usually they will be more than happy to take it down in exchange for 2 drinks and the promise that you’ll cover for them next time they have a drunken mishap. If, on the other hand, the person turns out to be a complete dick it is totally acceptable to stoop to underhand tactics in order to save the situation, here are some to get you started:

Account hacking: Try all possible passwords; dog’s names, baby names, hot barman from the local’s name. In all honesty, this is a long shot, but if somehow you do get in, you might as well see what shit you can dig up on them in case you ever need blackmail material. Also, you should remember that they probably still have the photo on their phone/camera and will probably be pissed off… so change their password and, if possible the e-mail they sign in with – this is temporary and can be used as bribery to get the original picture deleted.

Bribery: Put it this way; you can always make more money, but it’s a lot more difficult to get Channel4 to delete a whole episode of RudeTube once you’ve gone viral. If a lot of people got the photo/video it might be worth extending your overdraft for this one… or potentially taking out a loan. Approach your bank via the “business loan” angle… as in “there’s no fucking way I’m keeping your job if your boss sees this photo”. (I retract the last comment, it could potentially do wonders for you’re career. Study the photo first, you might not want it taken down.)

Blackmail: Any shit you’ve got on the perpetrator, any at all, this is the time to pull it out of the bag. I’m talking anything, grasp at any straws you’ve got. Fuck it, just make some stuff up. You never know what you might find out when throw a few rumours into the air.

If it’s already gone viral I’m afraid your screwed, so you need to be very Scarlett Johansson; hold your head up high and laugh about it…

…everything is a 7 day wonder and people will have someone else to talk about by next Sunday.

(…and if they don’t forget, smile in the knowledge that you’ve brought a bit of excitement and fun to their otherwise boring lives!)
 

16 comments… read them below or add one

Lauren Alissa Hunter January 15, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Oh man, definitely been there. Actually… My current manuscript starts with sequential thoughts on a morning-after-getting-wasted-and-wandering-around-a-foreign-country. And it’s memoir. Yep, can’t make this shit up.

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Lady Daa Doo January 15, 2012 at 8:28 pm

hahahaha!! Your post gave me a great laugh.
One of my best friends use to expose indecently EVERY time we went out. When it started, she was lucky we didn’t have smart phones. We had to go and get the film developed, so that took weeks sometimes. hehehehe. We certainly circulated the pictures amongst the group.
Thankfully I haven’t exposed myself indecently in public for a long time. I’d probably be locked away for causing a public menace.

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ShimonZ January 16, 2012 at 12:03 am

A marvelous tale; entertaining and amusing, both. Sorry about the foul up in my earlier attempt

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Sarah Von January 16, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Awesome, hilarious, useful! Well done!

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Steven Glansburg January 16, 2012 at 4:45 pm

Haha love it! I got my cock out once at a funeral, bad times…

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Gemma January 16, 2012 at 5:42 pm

Haha, that was awesome!

I’ve never had any embarrassing moments like that but your tips will be stored in my brain for safekeeping!

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Fidel January 17, 2012 at 4:14 am

Ha ha, I love this post Scarlet. Great sense of humor in this. Got any stories of your own to share?

You could always use the Hollywood celeb excuse and say that someone photoshopped your head onto that naked body.

Although the image may be on someone else’s property, you actually do have rights especially if someone put images of you on a public forum. First step of action is to ask for it to be taken down, like you stated. After that, most laws should be on your side but it could be a long fight. But usually with the threat of going to court, most people will relinquish evidence of you (at least public) in the buff the second they hear from a lawyer.

As always, the best action is to be aware of your surroundings and know who your friends are. Highly unlikely that this would be a person’s first time getting nude after a few drinks, so if the person is aware of how they get when drunk, they should make sure they have the right friends around.

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Toni January 17, 2012 at 1:02 pm

lol couldn’t stop laughing at this post hun. I’ve (thankfully) never done this before but I know a few people that have…think I’ll be sending them a link to here =)

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Diolis January 17, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Great wisdom ; )

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Jenn January 18, 2012 at 7:09 am

Thankfully my “get naked” days (oh I meant drinking days) were before cell phones, the internet and things going viral. Well take that back, things could go viral without protection! YIKES!! LMAO!! Cheers, Jenn.

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Jo March 4, 2012 at 5:32 pm

Omgoodness…I had a flashback or 20 reading this! So funny and now that I’m of a certain age, it would seriously be “not for publication” if it did indeed happen. Perhaps that’s why my getting drunk days are over or perhaps it’s more simply because I don’t want to give up 5 days to the recuperation it now requires. :)

Fun post and hidden (or not so hidden) in the humor some good advice! ?

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lola June 24, 2012 at 2:20 pm

my god, girl. we are so two of a kind. so who is our prudish, judging, boring 3rd party gonna be? i will NEVER post anything about you because you’d have all the same shit on me anyway. ;)

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Scarlett June 24, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Haha love it Lola! We’ll have to find a sensible person to keep us in check! xx

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Elle June 24, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Haha oh God. The words, “WTF Happened last night?” have slipped through my lips on more than one ocassion. Once this week in fact. I couldn’t stop laughing at this post, too freaking cute.

Cheers to the nights we don’t remember!

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Scarlett June 24, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Girl after my own heart Elle!

…With the friends we’ll never forget! xxxx

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Gord June 14, 2014 at 8:02 pm

I have gotten carried away when really drunk once. It was at someones house who I didn’t know too well and the girls dared the guys to strip to our underwear. There were 5 of us guys and about 8 girls. Three of us guys stripped to our undies. The girls then dared us to go futher and only I did. I was letting it all hang out and the girls started chanting for me to stroke it. I guess the booze made me uninhibited and I began to in front of everyone. There I was masturbating in front of everyone and they were cheering me on. I didn’t stop until I was done and the whole group of them witnessed me do this. The next morning I remembered doing this and felt rather embarassed now compared to last night when I found it very fun and hilarious.

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