Australia

 Daintree rainforest is one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen…

Seriously it is… I mean, once I’d got past the initial terror at the various signs warning me about my untimely death by cassowary, being smack bang in the middle of the 140 million year old Australian rainforest was awe inspiring. 

What wasn’t amazing, on the other hand, was Daintree village…

Anyone whose ever been to Cairns will know that it’s a backpacker’s paradise… you can’t move for overflowing bars, people handing out leaflets for cut-price experiences and topless sunbathing.

Now, I might not have been a backpacker, but I’m certainly not one to shun cheap drinks and nakedness when it’s offered to me on a plate. So, when almost everyone I met suggested I stop at Daintree village before venturing into the rainforest for a zipwiring adventure… I assumed it would be pretty much the same, and even considered wearing a bikini under my clothes.

 An idea that was completely laughable when I pulled up here…

You know in the hills have eyes, hostel, shark night… whatever I can’t actually remember which film now…

 …but speaking of Shark Night can anyone who has seen it please clarify; is it actually a film about people who record shark porn?

I digress…

You know in pretty much every horror film ever made, when the hot teenagers pull up at an abandoned gas station to ask directions – only to be greeted by a borderline psychopath, drooling over their supple young flesh and pointing them towards their imminent doom..?

This is what Daintree village felt like to me.

Now before you rain your torrents of abuse down upon me let me just make a couple of points…

1)  I’m not claiming that any psychopaths/murderers/hot teenagers actually live in Daintree village, I’m merely saying that – at that point, if I was going to get murdered, I was pretty sure that’s where it was going to happen.

AND…

2) Shall we just have a quick glance at the ‘poster’ that greeted me on the ‘town noticeboard’…

“Serious!”

Not to mention the “inviting” river cruises…

…and the shrunken heads*:

Anyway, after shovelling my packed lunch down my throat, I left the village and headed off into the Rainforest in one piece…

…but to this day, the mystery of the Daintree cat murderer lives on… 

*Were probably coconuts… probably.

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