I love the gym. It’s like my little sanctuary; the place I can just to escape for an hour a day. Where I don’t have to worry about looking like a troll, work, bills or anything else going on in my life. I can just put my music on, drown out the world and let my mind wander.

What I don’t love, is the other people at the gym.

I mean, it’s not that I hate people per se, it’s just that I do not want sweaty strangers near me. Ever.

So today I’m going to have a rant. Throw a wobbler. Toys out the pram. Fucking jumble sale.

Here are the people I hate at the gym.

The meathead

Generally found dominating the weight training area of the gym (meathead corner, testosterone complex, uncle steroid’s sweatbox)… but if he’s not visible immediately, just follow the completely outrageous grunting noises and you’ll find him in all his red-faced, sweaty glory.

This lad has guns, and fucking hell doesn’t he want everyone to know about it. If you don’t pay him attention within his first few reps he’ll grab a few more weights to throw around.

If you ignore his grunting for long enough he’ll bench press two pensioners whilst lying on a gym-ball doing sit ups. This is following a solid warm up of ten gym mirror selfies. 

The perfect girl

Also known as “that fit bird in the crop top”, this absolute Greek goddess was put on this earth for no other reason but to make you feel like a fucking goblin.

She’ll invariably be wearing the tiniest, figure hugging, brightly coloured top imaginable – that not only shows of her perfect washboard stomach, but also highlights her fantastic, natural tan. 

If she isn’t going at top speed on the cross trainer without breaking a sweat, she’ll be in the changies; moisturising her shiny  body for fucking absurd periods of time.

She will also smile sweetly at you as you walk past her, which is even more infuriating because she’s probably a really nice person too. Bitch

The creep

Not to be confused with the meathead, these people tend to save their unnatural noises for more intimate spaces; such as the steam room or a very small yoga class. They’ll wait until you’re trapped in the most confined area of the gym with them, before letting out a completely inappropriate, borderline sex noise to let everyone know exactly how much they’re enjoying themselves.

The WhatsApp group

Almost exclusively female, these gym-goers can be found travelling in flocks of two or three. They’ll have perfectly styled messy buns and on-point contouring that stays immaculate as they walk side-by-side on the treadmill for an hour. This leaves their hands free to WhatsApp their mates, post selfies and moan about their parents.

The exhibitionist

I can guarantee that you will never, at any point, see this person in the actual gym area.You will, however, find that they’re invariably in the changing room every time you are, walking around completely naked.

They’ll be there blow drying their hair, topless, when you rush into the shower. They’ll still be there, moisturising their completely bare arse-cheeks when you leave.

Usually middle aged. Usually never heard of a bikini wax. Always keen for a naked-gossip.

Until next time… x

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