funny

What’s the opposite of health? Because this time last year I was the poster girl for it.

I survived on nothing but Diet Coke and KitKat chunkies… and – still nursing the remains of a 8 year long eating disorder that I’ve kept very quiet on this blog, but I may or may not talk about another time – the only exercise I did was cardio, and I fucking hated it.

It wasn’t until I started lifting at the beginning of the year that I actually started to enjoy going to the gym. I realised, finally, that being skinny didn’t equate to being healthy and I actually started eating properly… well, like 75% of the time. Rome wasn’t built in a day bitches, and old habits die hard. But I started to give a shit about my health, because at the end of the day, it’s all we have. And I realised that it’s so true that you need to find a workout your enjoy if you’re ever going to stick to it long term.

Anyway, in summary gym=good. What I don’t love, is other people at the gym.

I mean, it’s not that I hate people per se, it’s just that I do not want sweaty strangers near me. Ever.

So today I’m going to have a rant about all the people I can’t stand at the gym. Throw a wobbler. Toys out the pram. Fucking jumble sale…

The meathead

Generally found dominating the weight training area of the gym (meathead corner, testosterone complex, uncle steroid’s sweatbox)… but if he’s not visible immediately, just follow the completely outrageous grunting noises and you’ll find him in all his red-faced, sweaty glory.

This lad has guns, and fucking hell doesn’t he want everyone to know about it. If you don’t pay him attention within his first few reps he’ll grab a few more weights to throw around.

If you ignore his grunting for long enough he’ll bench press two pensioners whilst lying on a gym-ball. Naturally, followed by a solid cool-down of ten gym mirror selfies. 

The perfect girl

Also known as “that fit bird in the crop top”, this absolute Greek goddess was put on this earth for no other reason but to make you feel like a fucking goblin.

She’ll invariably be wearing the tiniest, figure hugging, brightly coloured top imaginable – that not only shows of her perfect washboard stomach, but also highlights her fantastic, natural tan. 

If she isn’t going at top speed on the cross trainer without breaking a sweat, she’ll be in the changies; moisturising her shiny body for fucking ridiculous periods of time.

She will also smile sweetly at you as you walk past her, which is even more infuriating because she’s probably a really nice person too. Bitch.

The creep

Not to be confused with the meathead, these people tend to save their inappropriate noises for more intimate spaces; such as the steam room or a very small yoga class. They’ll wait until you’re trapped in the most confined area of the gym with them, before letting out a completely inappropriate, borderline sex moan to let everyone know exactly how much they’re enjoying themselves. You might think the gym is big enough to keep the creep away from you – you’re wrong. When you least suspect it he will be all up in your personal space, “helping you with your form” and somehow managing to touch your arse even when you’re training arms.

The WhatsApp group

Almost exclusively female, these gym-goers can be found travelling in flocks of two or three. They’ll have perfectly styled messy buns and on-point contouring that stays immaculate as they walk side-by-side on the treadmill for an hour. This leaves their hands free to WhatsApp their mates, post selfies and moan about their parents.

The exhibitionist

I can guarantee that you will never, at any point, see this person in the actual gym area. They will, however, invariably be in the changing room every time you are, walking around completely naked.

They’ll be there blow drying their hair, topless, when you rush into the shower. They’ll still be there, moisturising their completely bare arse-cheeks when you leave.

Usually middle aged. Usually never heard of a bikini wax. Always keen for a naked-gossip.

Until next time… x

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