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So You’ve Ruined Your Life… The Sunday Morning Scarlett Guide To Damage Control

Sunday morning; you’ve woken up to the glowing sun shining through your curtains, the birds are singing, you don’t have to go to work… and for a few seconds everything is right with the world…

Until you remember that you went out last night.

Oh god, it’s all flooding back now isn’t it. The flailing around dancing , the random stranger you snogged… the shots.

Ahhh you remember the shots don’t you? But what was after the shots again? You forage around to find your phone from deep within the covers… oh and there it is.

You’ve woken up on a beautiful Sunday morning to the realisation that you’ve ruined your life…

Sound familiar? Thought so.

The good news is, you’re not alone. I can can guarantee that whatever you did last night, someone else has done the same, only worse.

Probably me.

So before you freak out and vow to never leave your bedroom again, lets see how we can salvage the situation.

 …Part One: Indecent Exposure…

Even if you’re a class A hottie or have just recently invested in cosmetic surgery… flashing, stripping or getting in any way naked in public is always a bad idea, especially in a world of smartphones and Facebook. So if you’re the type who tends to get the “naked itch” after a few drinks (there’s one in every group; a friend of mine actually met her boyfriend of  six years during one particularly heavy night when she decided to run down the pier in her bra) I suggest that you stick with someone either very boring or very judgemental post 1am to ensure that you don’t get too carried away.

Of course, if you’re reading this it’s more than likely that you’ve already exposed your genitals to the world and the above advice is absolutely useless… so what you need now is damage control.

Most importantly you need to find out if any photographic evidence exists of your misdemeanor.

If it doesn’t consider yourself a very lucky and don’t dwell on the witnesses. Suck it up, get out of bed and laugh it off in the knowledge that you’ve just dodged a serious bullet.

If it does… First things first, you need to get rid of the evidence from any of the various social media platforms it could be on.

With any luck the person uploaded it when drunk and feels a bit bad about it, usually they will be more than happy to take it down in exchange for 2 drinks and the promise that you’ll cover for them next time they have a drunken mishap. If, on the other hand, the person turns out to be a complete dick it is totally acceptable to stoop to underhand tactics in order to save the situation, here are some to get you started:

Account hacking: Try all possible passwords; dog’s names, baby names, hot barman from the local’s name. In all honesty, this is a long shot, but if somehow you do get in, you might as well see what shit you can dig up on them in case you ever need blackmail material. Also, you should remember that they probably still have the photo on their phone/camera and will probably be pissed off… so change their password and, if possible the e-mail they sign in with – this is temporary and can be used as bribery to get the original picture deleted.

Bribery: Put it this way; you can always make more money, but it’s a lot more difficult to get Channel4 to delete a whole episode of RudeTube once you’ve gone viral. If a lot of people got the photo/video it might be worth extending your overdraft for this one… or potentially taking out a loan. Approach your bank via the “business loan” angle… as in “there’s no fucking way I’m keeping your job if your boss sees this photo”. (I retract the last comment, it could potentially do wonders for you’re career. Study the photo first, you might not want it taken down.)

Blackmail: Any shit you’ve got on the perpetrator, any at all, this is the time to pull it out of the bag. I’m talking anything, grasp at any straws you’ve got. Fuck it, just make some stuff up. You never know what you might find out when throw a few rumours into the air.

If it’s already gone viral I’m afraid your screwed, so you need to be very Scarlett Johansson; hold your head up high and laugh about it…

…everything is a 7 day wonder and people will have someone else to talk about by next Sunday.

(…and if they don’t forget, smile in the knowledge that you’ve brought a bit of excitement and fun to their otherwise boring lives!)
 

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