October 24, 2012 in Category Food & Drink,Hangovers,Scarlett Guides To Life...

The Scarlett Guide To… Handling The Three Stages Of Drunk

Last Friday morning, after a particularly fabulous Cocktail Thursday, I woke to a heavy head and some harrowing flashbacks of looking at flights to Orlando

As I nervously checked my e-mails, I could help but feel like this had happened before. Why? Well probably because it has happened before. Every single fucking Friday since I decided that I was going on a one-woman crusade to make Cocktail Thursdays a ‘thing’.

Anyway, it dawned on me that this sinking feeling of potentially having ruined my life after a night out, was not down to having four Long Island Iced Teas on an empty stomach, but rather the failure to correctly identify the three danger areas of drunkenness.

So to make it easy for you to navigate you way through to the morning after without humiliating, bankrupting or exposing yourself…

Welcome to The Scarlett Guide To… Handling The Three Stages Of Drunk

Stage One: The Love Phase

Also known as the Epiphany Stage; the realisation that you’re life and everyone in it is, quite simply, amazing… and that must make you pretty god damn amazing too.

How to handle it:

Texting all of your friends telling them how much you love them is totally fine – after all, everyone likes fan-mail! I once lost three phones in the space of 8 months purely from drunk-texting song lyrics to my best friend in the middle of a club.

How not to handle it:

Now is not the time to take to Facebook to declare your undying love for your ex by liking all of their photos and reminiscing about the “good times” on their wall. Nor is it the time to attempt to publicly build bridges with a friend you’ve lost touch with – instead, leave yourself a note and see how you feel the following day.

Stage Two: Admittance Phase

You know that thing you promised yourself you wouldn’t bring up this evening? Well this is the phase in which it’s going to burst out of your mouth like an uncontrollable cannon ball.

How to handle it: 

If you’re going to let some secrets slip make sure they’re good ones, like birthday present details or holiday plans. Additionally playing “I have never” with your closest friends is also acceptable, provided you’re not into anything weird or arrest-able.

How not to handle it: 

Nights out are a great opportunity for people to rant to their friends about all their significant other’s irritating habits. It is not an opportunity for you to pipe up about how you think your friends can do so much better, and should dump them immediately.

Steer clear of comments such as: “If you want my honest opinion, I can’t stand your boyfriend”, Don’t worry, you carry the weight you’ve put on really well” or “You can do so much better than your ex, he was cheating on you with everyone… including me”.

Stage Three: The Big Idea Phase

This is by far the most dangerous phase of them all, and can generally be defined with such devastating declarations as, “Let’s book a holiday!”, “We should totally buy a bar/start a business/have a baby” and “I’ll just give him a quick call.”

How to handle it:

Go home and go to bed. Seriously, nothing good is going to come from riding this storm.

How not to handle it:

Put it this way, whether it’s entering your bank details online, dialling a number or signing along a dotted line – if you find that you’re squinting, with only one eye open, it’s probably best to wait until the morning.

Of course, if you’re reading this with a hangover… chances are I’ve got here too late. It’ probably best that you head over to the So, You’ve Ruined Your Life section to se what we can do about damage control…

26 comments… read them below or add one

lola October 24, 2012 at 1:40 pm

i definitely am guilty of #1 and #3! i’m going out tonight to celebrate one of my best friend’s birthdays. you can expect a Facebook message from me later telling you how much i love you, how awesome you are and that i really think we should seriously move to jamaica, make our own rum together & braid peoples hair for the rest of our lives.

lola xxx

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Scarlett October 24, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Oh my god Lola… I’m not even drunk and I’m already totally in!! Where do I sign? xxxx

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snowbird October 24, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Hahahaha, loved stage three.xxxxx

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Scarlett October 24, 2012 at 4:57 pm

Lol, I’m sure we’ve been there a few times x

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Jess @UsedYorkCity October 24, 2012 at 7:26 pm

Ahh, you always crack me up! So…when’s your big vakay to Disney World?!;-) xx

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Scarlett October 24, 2012 at 7:51 pm

Thanks lovely. Haha, luckily I didn’t book anything… although the “Pay $100 now and nothing else till summer” is very dangerous! xx

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Marissa @ Chic Darling October 24, 2012 at 10:27 pm

My stage 1 involves texting people the lyrics to the Fresh Prince of Bell-Air.

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Scarlett October 25, 2012 at 10:10 am

LOL xx

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ShimonZ October 25, 2012 at 4:35 am

ah, the transgressions of the young

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Scarlett October 25, 2012 at 10:11 am

Lol Shimon x

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Leigh-Ann October 25, 2012 at 10:56 am

So funny! I have given into the Big Idea Phase on more than one occasion!

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Scarlett October 25, 2012 at 11:00 am

I think we all have LeighAnn x

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Amberr Meadows October 27, 2012 at 3:06 am

LMAO. Yes, at the big idea phase it’s time to go home, drink a bottle of water, take a couple of Aleve and pass out. Excellent advice for all the cocktail queens and kings out there :-)

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Scarlett October 28, 2012 at 12:16 pm

So true Amberr! Thanks x

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Simone October 27, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Oh man. These are so true.

My “Big Idea” usually involves something like “Lets order a big pitcher of Mojitos!” which is then followed by something I like to call “the pukey phase” (not fun)

BTW, your blog design is beyond cute! xo

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Scarlett October 28, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Haha ahhh the pukey and “spinny room” phase is always the worst. Thankyou darling xx

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Erik October 28, 2012 at 1:27 am

These are great. You are wise beyond your years. Either that or you have lots of experience with this :-)

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Scarlett October 28, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Haha thanks Erik xx

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Oceana | Barefoot Beach BLonde October 30, 2012 at 11:52 am

Haha! Fantastic piece of writing. Had me giggling from the word go. The best advice you can give someone who is in stage three is GO HOME or SLEEP ON IT (but not on any person in particular :P). I have given and received this advice gladly!!

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Scarlett October 30, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Haha, Thanks Oceana! Going home is always the best bet! xx

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Agness (@Agnesstramp) November 1, 2012 at 12:03 pm

LOL That’s the funniest thing I’ve read today. Love the stage 3, hahaha :)

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Scarlett November 6, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Haha, thanks Agness x

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Marjorie McAtee January 28, 2013 at 4:54 pm

If you’re signing the dotted line through one squinty eye, you probably don’t have the presence of mind to stop yourself.

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Scarlett January 28, 2013 at 8:32 pm

Very true x

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lauradaviesx January 28, 2013 at 5:28 pm

Too true! LOL xxxxxx

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Scarlett January 28, 2013 at 6:19 pm

:) xx

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