The Scarlett Mini Guide To… Avoiding A Clichéd Valentines

I’m not naturally the most romantic of people… I can’t stand public displays of affection and I certainly can’t stand the false rose petals and cuddly bears that comes with Valentines day.

Let me put it this way, last February 14th I arrived home around 8pm with a Newsagent-bought card that I had to scribble a few words into in the bathroom…

…he gave me a hug!

You know, one of those announced ones? That drags on just a bit too long, so neither of you let go… then it just gets ridiculous…

Yeah,  so anyway… It’s not that I hate romance, I’ll happily buy into a bit of spontaneous lovin’ as quickly as the next girl.   I just hate forced romance!

I hate that, on one particular day of the year every single person across the globe has to simultaneously adorn themselves in the dirtiest thing they own and turn it on.

I mean, what if I feel bloated that day? Or fancy it on the 13th instead?

Never mind the fact that you have to sit in a restaurant with other “loved up” couples… where they give you one dessert and two spoons.

Fuck you sunshine if you think you’re getting a nibble on my banoffee pie.

Did that sound rude…? Well good, because that brings me onto my next point: who feels up to donning a pair of suspenders and getting down and dirty after gorging themselves on a 3 course set Valentines menu?

(I suppose that’s why you’re meant to share the dessert?)

 The truth is, you don’t have to buy into the clichéd dinner for two to have a memorable day with your better half,  then welcome to…

The Scarlett MINI Guide To… The Top Three Things To Do For Valentines Day 

1) Visit a Comedy Club

They might not seem like the most romantic of places, but comedy clubs are relaxed, you can get food if you get the munchies, and there’s plenty of opportunity for a glass of champagne… or pint of vodka depending how much you like the person you’re with. Put it this way: If the acts are hilarious then it’s happy days, if they’re awful it’s still kind of funny… in one of those awkward “I want to give them a hug and a slap at the same time” sort of ways.

Plus, as we all know; laughter releases endorphins… and endorphins make you horny**

2) Try Something New Together

Whether its crossing one of those adrenaline-filled activities off your bucket list together, or exploring a place neither of you have been – spending Valentines creating new adventures together is going to be a hell of a lot more memorable than spending the night  in a crowded restaurant, being put off your food by those sickly-sweet Honeymoon couples! Boys, I would particularly suggest booking a Spa weekend if you’ve looking to impress – nothing makes a girl feel better about herself than getting pampered to within an each of her life… and you should know by now that if your girl is loving herself, she’s a lot more likely to be loving you…

…and finally, while we’re ont he subject of trying something new…

3) Have a “Night In” with a Board Game

By all means, if you’re into “Games Night”, dig out Monopoly and let the good times roll… but of course, we’re talking a sexy game of Monogamy here.

Now, I know what you’re thinking; couples games are just plain awkward… and, just like Role Play and using Chocolate Body Paint, should be kept to the confinements of Channel 5′s Sunday Night “feature film”  - and I agree with you! But the board game Monogamy has a way of helping you to let go of your inhibitions whilst having a laugh together. Trust me! 

And, of course, you are guaranteed hot sex… which is the whole point of Valentine’s Day anyway isn’t it?

(If you’re unsure, cracking open a bottle of wine or two is a great way to start)

Happy Valentines Hotties, Enjoy! x

**100% scientific fact… probably.

9 comments… read them below or add one

Christina Majaski February 13, 2012 at 6:58 pm

I always choose sleeping. I’d prefer to just have an extra hour of sleep. Could be another reason I am single.

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Melissa February 13, 2012 at 6:58 pm

“what if I fancy it on the 13th instead?”

LMAO. I legit burst into laughter. Girl, you kill me. It’s funny because I am suuuuuuch a cheesy romantic, but it really is a ridiculous holiday. I think romantic gestures should be un-forced and spontaneous, not purposely once a year. But yeah me: love the cheesy stuff. Two spoons and all! ;)

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Tim Casey February 13, 2012 at 9:05 pm

I’m sorry Jen but Valentines day is Clichéd in that it exists at all, it rates right up there with a “Perfect” wedding for women. Both are myths, I don’t blame women for it, I blame Hollywood for painting this picture for women. So thanks for showing that it isn’t about flowers and candy and a once a year forced donation of oral sex. It can be about 2 people that love each other and want to show it.

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Amberr Meadows February 13, 2012 at 10:35 pm

LMAO. I am so right there with you, Jen. Valentine’s day is utter bullshit. I’d rather be loved 364 days of the year (not being smothered with romance) than to be overly loved once a year.

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Stephanie February 14, 2012 at 4:47 am

I’m with you on this one! My husband and I never have done the Valentines day thing really. Why do we need one day to show our love for each other? And yes, the Valentines Day restaraunt thing I hear is an absolute pain in the ass! Every Valentines day it seems to be our tradition that my husband will make steak and salad, we’ll make some strawberry shortcake together, maybe watch a movie and then have sex… Maybe we’ll get creative on the last three ;-)

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Steven Glansburg February 14, 2012 at 12:04 pm

I. love. strawberry. shortcake.

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Monica February 14, 2012 at 10:31 pm

So true. Everything about Valentine’s Day makes me cringe. And I love this quote:
“Fuck you sunshine if you think you’re getting a nibble on my banoffee pie.” Definitely going to use this. I’m usually all about the sharing, except when it comes to desert…

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Jenn February 15, 2012 at 10:39 am

Oh you had me rolling!! Wine always helps break open any occasion in my book. The comedy club, trying something new, or night in with a board game–in my opinion WINE is DIVINE!!

This year for Valentine’s Day–nothing overly special happened. I received a card from Hubby and I slept for 14 hours–but I’ve been under the weather. I’ll make up for it down the road–that is a promise :D Cheers, Jenn

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Katherina February 19, 2012 at 10:13 am

You know, I haven’t had a Valentine’s Day for the last 7 years or so… until this one and, although the plan seems utterly romantic (drinks and dinner), it can still be done in a less “forced” way – that is, drinking beer being surrounded by 60 year olds in most probably the cheapest bar in London and having way too many dimsums in Chinatown. No candlelight. No heartshaped food. And funnily, no other couples but lots of chinese families!
I like to think that we didn’t go out for Valentine’s Day, but because we wanted to spend time together (and both had a serious obsession with dimsums that day). Just like any other day…

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