February 5, 2013 in Category If You Ask Me,Scarlett View...

Things That Creep Me Out: Part Two

I knew the minute I started to write the last ‘things that creep me out‘ post that it would end up being just the first installment of a whole library of things that knock me sick on a daily basis…

My problem is, ever since I spent the best part of 35 minutes searching for the worst of Justin Bieber’s selfies to enthrall you with, my acute sense of disgust for the many aspects of the human race has been heightened considerably. I can’t seem to turn a fucking corner without discovering something new to send shudders down my spine. So I thought to myself, what better way to get these creepy images out of my head, than letting them infiltrate yours…


The fact that someone, somewhere, might be trying to recreate The Human Centipede

Do you remember the good old days, before Tom Six had full reign to spill the contents of his mind onto our TV screens; the days when you could sleep soundly in the knowledge that there probably wasn’t a maniac sewing one stranger’s arsehole to other stranger’s mouth? Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t buy this bullshit about films influencing entire generations and turning people into mass murderers… but let’s just say someone was already a psychopath – and planning a headline-grabbing homicide – you can guarantee the Human Centipede isn’t the film we want them to be watching. Which brings me to my next point; why hasn’t Tom Six, at the very least, having his internet search history checked at sporadic intervals throughout the year?

Hitting on people by singing

I know what you’re thinking; “people actually do this???” Well the answer is yes, yes they do. In the space of just ten days two friends of mine had been cornered by a ballad singing creep. Let me expand:

Singing Creep #1

The local stoner invited Mate#1 for a evening walk on the beach and, (having the inability to say no, no matter how ridiculous a situation might be) she agreed. As the sun was setting she suggested they head home, which he agreed was a good idea… but not until he had given her a present. The ‘present’ was to sit her down and sing Areosmith’s “I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing” to her. The whole song, including the, “I don’t wanna miss one smile…” interlude. In the dark.

Singing Creep #2

No less than ten days later Mate#2 was minding her own business at a bar when a normal-looking fella offered to buy her a drink. After chatting for a while, they went outside for a cigarette which is where he made his move. He leaned in close, closing his eyes as he neared her face… then very softly began to sing Michael Jackson’s “Man in the Mirror” into her ear. Seriously.

Creepy family photos

There is a fine line between ‘cute’ and ‘call child protection services’… and the above definitely crosses this line. Personally, I blame the likes of Pinterest for this subtle but distinct shift from normal family photos to these sort of hideously awkward ones; now people can put their entire family life online for people to judge, there is the constant need to outdo one another in the ‘cute’ stakes… which, if you ask me, ultimately leads to the train wreck of a family above.


Until next time… x

31 comments… read them below or add one