“Why I’m terrible at cooking” featuring maggot-gate.

I hate cooking shows. I hate them because they provide no entertainment besides making me hungry and I hate them because they make the cooking of a souffle unnecessarily epic. Most of all I hate them because they remind me of my complete lack of interest and/or capability of ever becoming a domestic goddess.

That said, yesterday I somehow found myself watching highlights from ‘The Great British Bake Off” and, before I knew it, I had decided to bake some muffins. I use the term ‘bake’ in the loosest possible way – unless, of course, you count cracking an egg into some pre-made Betty Crocker muffin mix and spending 45 minutes picking bits of shell out.

Twenty minutes later the muffins that should have looked like this:

Betty_Crocker_Muffin_Chocolate_Chunk

Came out like this:

cooking-failures

Close enough.

Anyway, yesterday’s minor culinary misdemeanor took me back to another, more traumatic, occasion in a high school Home Economics class.

An incident that I’ve never spoken of since that day, until now…

cooking-pin-up

 ***

“What do you mean you’ve got cooking tomorrow?” my mum shouted, trying to stop herself from hitting me upside the head, “where am I going to get all these ingredients at this hour?” This was back in the days where 24 hour supermarkets were nothing more than a dream, where staying in Tesco for a minute longer than necessary would see you herded out with riot shields… and, once again, I’d left it until 10 0’clock the night before to let my mum know I had Home Ec the next day.

Luckily, after a good root round the backs of every cupboard in the house and the weekly, “I swear to god if you do this one last time…” lecture, we managed to find enough flour and brown sugar to make whatever inedible baked goods Mrs. Jones had in store for me the next morning.

The following day I was stirring my gingerbread mixture, (silently wondering how everyone else in the class was already onto the decorating portion of the class) when, before my very eyes, my mixture began to move on its own accord.

At first I thought I was finally losing it, but after a couple of minutes I realised that my mixture really was stirring itself.

My mixture was full of maggots.

It turned out that the flour my mum had found at the back of the cupboard had been there for years and become the unlikely breeding place for a colony of moths.

I panicked. Clutching onto the oven and trying not to vomit I tried to figure out what to do. There was no way I could let my teacher know about the situation, I did have some pride left after all… but I wasn’t about to cook a writhing mass of maggots for the rest of the class to test-taste an hour later.

“Can I go to the sick room Miss? I think I’m going to faint.”  I figured if I could get out of the rest of the class, I could creep back in at lunchtime and destroy all evidence – foolproof.

Foolproof… until the lovely Mrs. Jones showed up at the sick-room an hour later with a box full of gingerbread cookies.“I didn’t want you to have to clean up your station if you didn’t feel well, so I finished baking your cookies for you” she smiled.

She had baked the maggots. 

And now she was presenting me with ginger-maggot, man-shaped cookies to take back to the classroom and share among my friends.

I could feel the vomit rising up again.

Luckily I have gone such a hideous green colour, the nurse decided to send me home so I didn’t have to figure out how to ditch the evidence before people started taking samples.

Later that night we inspected the cookies, to find that they really were full of maggots. So the question remains; how did Mrs. Jones miss the extra ingredient as she moulded the cookie dough? Or did she clock the situation and decided to cook them anyway?

***

Are you terrible at cooking too? Let me know your horror stories so we can bitch about Pinterest and all bask in each others failures.

31 comments… read them below or add one

Nicola May 10, 2013 at 10:01 am

This has made me feel incredibly ill.

So thank you for that. x

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Scarlett May 10, 2013 at 11:45 am

Haha, you’re welcome! xx

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Jess @UsedYorkCity May 10, 2013 at 10:42 am

Omg, you poor thing! But this is the stuff the greatest hight school memories are made of!;-) I also suck at cooking…trying super hard to do it a bit more, as eating out every meal in NYC gets kinda pricey.

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Scarlett May 10, 2013 at 11:46 am

I can imagine! Yeah, I guess maggot-gate is always one to tell the grandchildren lol xx

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LisaR @ Who Stole My Baby? May 10, 2013 at 2:30 pm

Blech, so awful! I don’t suck at cooking, but my bravery certainly exceeds my skill. My husband has eaten some weird crap as a result.

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Scarlett May 10, 2013 at 2:41 pm

Haha, hopefully no maggots though! xx

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Gorilla Bananas May 10, 2013 at 3:00 pm

Don’t barf in my face for saying this, but maggots are actually very nutritious. Maybe your teacher had visited the jungle and knew all about bush tucker.

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Scarlett May 10, 2013 at 8:27 pm

I hear they’re full of protein, perhaps she thought she was doing me a favour x

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Paula May 10, 2013 at 6:13 pm

Oh my god, that is horrendous!

Thankfully in MY home eccies class we used to just have to bring in money and they would supply the ingredients. Otherwise I can imagine something like that happening to me…

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Scarlett May 10, 2013 at 8:29 pm

That’s such a better idea!! X

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Stephanie Iris May 11, 2013 at 4:48 pm

SIck. Nasty. Barf.

How traumatizing. I think I’d hang up my chef hat indefinitely after that.

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Suzy Marie May 12, 2013 at 2:19 pm

Oh my god! That is actually horrendous haha! I cannot believe she didn’t see the maggots, bleurgh.

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Scarlett May 13, 2013 at 10:44 am

I know, it makes me sick just remembering it x

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snowbird May 12, 2013 at 6:05 pm

Oh noooooooo….the POOR maggots!!! xxxx

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Scarlett May 13, 2013 at 10:43 am

Yeahh, baked alive in gingerbread isn’t the nicest way to go that’s for sure x

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abeerfortheshower May 13, 2013 at 1:49 pm

That is hilariously disgusting. One time I was making a salad dressing and needed some poppy seeds. I grabbed some from my spice rack, and noticed it was a completely unopened (though at least a year old) bottle. So I opened it, and dumped some into the dressing, only to notice that a sea of maggots were now doing the backstroke in my dressing. I have no idea how the hell they got into the unopened bottle, but after that I threw away my entire spice rack (and the dressing, and the salad).

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Scarlett May 13, 2013 at 8:30 pm

LOL! First off, I’m seriously impressed that you were making salad dressing from scratch. I don’t know anyone who does that… which gives you an insight into how classy my friends are. Secondly, I’m so glad I wasn’t the only one who’s experienced maggot-gate xx

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Hogga May 13, 2013 at 7:51 pm

BAAAARRRRF

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Scarlett May 13, 2013 at 8:28 pm

Tell me about it x

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Farrah Kelly May 14, 2013 at 10:09 am

Sounds to me like your Mrs Jones knew exactly what the special ingredient was! Maybe she’d taken a bite before realising…

I once fainted in a “home ec” class because the heat from the ovens did not combine well with the 24 hour stomach bug I was battling with. Ah, secondary school memories. xx

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Scarlett May 14, 2013 at 11:18 am

Haha! I used to wish I’d faint just to get out of cooking lentil casserole for the sixth week running x

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jill May 15, 2013 at 4:36 pm

Ugh!! Hilarious story… but left me feeling alittle green myself. :)

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Scarlett May 16, 2013 at 11:43 am

Haha, Thanks Jill x

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WeezaFish May 16, 2013 at 6:36 am

OMG Scarlett! And you win the prize this morning for giving me the laugh I needed :) Lost in memories of Home Ec classes. I so did that to my poor Mum too. Never resulted in maggots, but often in me not having quite the right ingrediants and a ‘different’ looking result to the rest of the class ha!

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Scarlett May 16, 2013 at 11:45 am

LOL, at least I’m not the only one who put their mum through Home-Ec hell. Mine never quite came out like anyone else’s either xx

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Lilian May 20, 2013 at 10:17 pm

Oh no, this has just brought back nauseating memories of when I was at university and woke up one morning to find, what I thought was, rice all around the bin. Before I knew it, the “rice” began to move and I freaked out and practically cried when I realised that it was actually maggots.
In the end I hoovered them up and hoped they died in the hoover bag.

You have my sympathies :/

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Scarlett May 21, 2013 at 6:47 am

URGH, that made me feel a bit nauseous! provided you didn’t get a swarm of bluebottles burst out of the dyson I think you’re safe lol x

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Abby Ang May 28, 2013 at 12:57 am

Sorry to hear that. Actually, I am also terrible in baking. I dreamed of becoming a great baker, dreamed of opening my own bakery but then I am terrible in baking. Haha! I guess I need up to give up on this dream.

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Scarlett May 29, 2013 at 2:34 pm

LOL same here – I would love to open a cupcake shop… but first I need to learn how to actually bake cupcakes! x

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Heels Forever June 11, 2013 at 8:07 pm

Lol that’s hilarious! x

http://heelsforever.wordpress.com/

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Scarlett June 12, 2013 at 12:26 am

Thanks lovely x

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