August 16, 2017 in Category Scarlett Life...

Anxiety, Yoga and Me.

For the last 28 years of my life I’ve been what I’d probably describe as a “chilled person”. Some may argue I’ve had more of a “fuck it, what’s the worst that can happen” or “immature” attitude, but however you want to look at it, it’s been working for me just fine.

Until I turned 29.

Suddenly, seemingly out of fucking nowhere, my brain was shrouded by this all-encompassing anxiety, making me question everything about my entire existence. I had no idea how exhausting worrying about everything and nothing simultaneously is. It consumes you. You push people away, then find yourself riddled with a deep-set guilt that only serves to add to your anxious state. You start to believe everyone you love will bail on you, and you don’t blame them – you don’t even know if you care, you’re too exhausted.

It’s rare that I share heavy stuff like this, but this shit sneaked itself up on me out of nowhere. So if it’s something that’s sneaked up on you too, just know you’re not crazy.

yoga for anxiety

Anyway, on Saturday I finally hit a wall when, for what seemed like the hundredth time in the last month,  (impressive given the 31-day, 24 hour-per-day restriction) I sat in the corner of my bathroom, crying into my knees and wondering if this was the panic attack that was actually going to finish me off. I felt like there was hot lava oozing out of my head, down my shoulders and burning my chest. Somehow, I peeled myself off the floor and got into my car.

If my head was wedged before, it absolutely fell off when I suddenly found myself in the middle of a police chase. Somewhere in the chaos, the car that was getting chased crashed into me and bounced off into a lamppost – writing my car off completely, but leaving me unscathed besides whiplash and a dead arm. And so commenced two hours of standing in the street trying to sort shit out… oh, and I was in my pyjamas. Because of course I was.

The point of this story is that there was absolutely no connection between the crash and my anxiety, but there was something about it that set a little spark off in my brain. Call it serendipity, call it a wake up call, call it doing a Ross Gellar when that car backfired – but something made a little voice inside me say, “nah come on now, you’re better than crying on the bathroom floor, time to get a grip girl.”  

I decided that, whilst I might not be able to re-programme by brain overnight, I could make changes to help myself. Cutting way, way back on alcohol for example. And caffeine. And aspartame. I mean, 3 cans of redbull and at least one (large) glass of wine every single day? Am I messing? It’s hardly a wonder my mind’s given up on me.

I also decided to take more seriously all of these people raving about yoga.

So here’s where I could begin to tell you that I was skeptical about the practice, convinced it wouldn’t help me etc ect… until finally I flipped 180 degrees, like a new Slimming World member talking about the dangers of white bread, and begin evangelizing yoga with the manic conviction of a Brexiter in the comment section of the Daily Mail.

But the fact of the matter is: I’ve only been doing it for four days, at home, in – you guessed it – my pyjamas. I don’t know what that means for the rest of my life, or even the rest of the week. But I do know that:

1) I have become more trendy in the eyes of people who hashtag their Instagram posts with #blessed

2) I have become much stranger in the eyes of my dog

3) I haven’t felt anxious since Sunday.

It might be the yoga. It might be cutting out the toxins I’ve been poisoning my body with on the reg for months. It might just be a different mindset. Or there might not be any correlation at all and I’ll be hyperventilating in Tesco toilets again within a week. But I hope not.

I guess only time will tell… x

 

1 comment… read it below or add one

ShimonZ August 17, 2017 at 4:31 am

It’s always good to check the feedback from your dog. In any case, we’re rooting for you, and wishing you all the very best. Don’t despair. We’re past the point of no return, and getting closer to the weekend.

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