September 25, 2011 in Category Australia,Scarlett Adventures...,Scarlett View...

Australian Paranoia

Before leaving for my Australian adventure, I mused over the vast and various ways in which I could meet my untimely demise. A few of which I (panic-strickenedly) outlined here.

That said, I thought that my hang-ups would seem farcicle upon arrival…

However instead of my fears being banished to the realms of horror films and urban legends, I was introduced to a whole host of new creatures to worry about – each one more frightening than the last.

This may all sound distinctly melodramatic, but you have to remember that the most dangerous animal we have in England is a swan… and, as John Bishop recently pointed out; despite the constant warnings from the likes of Butlins and over-protective mothers, no-one actually knows anyone whose had their arm broken by a swan.

Having an overactive imagination leaves me nervous at the best of times (not to be confused with paranoid) so, over the past couple of weeks, my once pleasant and occasionally erotic dreams about Tony Soprano have been replaced by harrowing encounters with the ever-growing list of terrifying beasts.

Last night, after waking a from a particulary ugly brawl with a giant cassowary, I woke in a cold sweat. Someone once told me that, should I ever encounter a saltwater crocodile, I should zigzag as I flee – a piece of advice I’ve adopted when dealing with many animals, (including spiders, the angry chickens at the animal rescue I volunteer at, and an angry pregnant cow that chased me across a field when I was 14.) As I lay there for hours, staring into the darkness, it occurred to me that I hadn’t packed any appropriate footwear to take on these animals. By the time the sun came up the contents of my suitcase was shrewn around my room and I was queuing outside Woolworths with a shopping list of ‘zigzagging shoes’ and ‘diet coke’. The $40 I spent on a distinctly unattractive pair of ‘plimpsols’ (a word that has haunted me ever since my brief and traumatic stint on the school’s under 13’s netball squad) was worth every penny when, after spending three hours paddling in the sea, I stumbled across this sign…

5 comments… read them below or add one

Simply Paul September 25, 2011 at 12:54 pm

You’re right. Us Brits are useless when it comes to wildlife of the dangerous variety. I’d love to see some of these animals in the wild but I idea what to do if something was to go wrong. Maybe I should have jooned the scouts as a boy after all.


Scarlet September 26, 2011 at 9:08 am

Paul… we’re completely useless, John Bishop was right in saying they have stuck every dangerous animal in Australia though. Apparently if you meet a cassowary you need to ‘put an obsticlle between you an it… even a bag’… i’m not sure my handbag full of makeup and useless hair products would be much use!xx


Jenn February 2, 2012 at 10:59 pm

I grew up in Florida with the Alligators (a bigger version of a crocodile) and yes you are supposed to run in a zig-zag fashion because in a straight line those things can out run you (Chomp-chomp) but they are slowed down considerably if they have to follow you back and forth.

Those Cassowary birds look freakin scary!! I mean look how big their legs are–they are really thick for a bird. Remind me to stay out of the rainforests of Australia!! YIKES!!

As always, I really enjoyed your blog.

Cheers, Jenn


Alex August 24, 2014 at 12:55 am

Alligators bigger than crocodiles. Are you fucking high??


Alex August 24, 2014 at 12:57 am

Alligators are not bigger then crocs you moron!


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