Snowboarding

Snowboarding holidays; the chance to spend a week forgetting about the relentless wheel of mundane life by throwing yourself down the side of a mountain over and over again, and hammering your liver until your face hurts from smiling and your arse just hurts from bruises.

Anyone who’s ever been on a snowboard holiday will know that après is the golden hour. You’ve had a long hard day of defying the laws of physics, and you want to celebrate that fact that you’re still in alive, and (pretty much) in one piece, with a well earned bev.

Anyone who’s even been on a snowboard holiday will also know that the après is where all the strange and usual characters crawl out of the woodwork and into our lives. So here are 7 people you can expect to share a bev on the slopes with:

(Oh, and by the way… if there’s any of these you can’t spot, it’s probably you.)

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Gorgeous McGet-To-Ours

At home you’d laugh at anyone who can has the absolute nerve to be that cocky whilst sporting such ridiculous goggle tan lines, and roll your eyes even more when you found out they wore sunglasses indoors.

But you’re not at home, are you.

In the mountains there’s a whole different rule book, and this bronzed, snowboarding specimen is about to become the object of your desire, the fire of your loins, your personified wank bank… well, for the next week anyway.

He (or she) will invariably be an instructor, probably European, and you’ll have a drunken flirt over a Corona at the Folie Douce. You’ll build the ‘budding relationship’ up in your head for the next 12 hours… until you catch him necking some blonde ‘gap yahhhhh’ seasonaire the next day at the après.

Pablo E-SNOW-bar

(Did you groan with that one? Good.)

Seamlessly stepping straight out of a private school in the suburbs, into the role of resort supplier; this person is renowned as the go-to person for all things illicit. From amphetamines to viagra; they can get whatever you need. Picture Morgan Freeman in the Shawshank Redemption… but wearing ski goggles and a pair of luminous green kecks.

Wannabe Spice

You’ll find this one at the bar, practically shouting over the music to anyone who will listen: “Did you catch my triple 360 in the park yesterday? Everyone’s been talking about it. I can probably get you a discount at the board shop in town, they always give me one. Follow me on Instagram, I’ll be dropping my edit at the end of the season just before my Sponsors fly me out to Canada.”

Translation: “I got a 10% discount because I bought a new board, bindings and 6 different DC hoodies. I’ll never drop an edit, but I’ll be at the park every day if you want to come film me? I do a sick Indy Grab, you know. Yeah, my Nan lives in Canada.”

But fuck it. As they say; dress for the job you want.

snowbombing blogger

Sicknote Stevie

Proving that, just because your leg’s in a splint, doesn’t mean you can’t have a fucking good time. You have absolutely no idea how they managed to get to the bar, let alone how they’re going to make it back down – but they don’t seem to be concerned. Despite the fact they can’t snowboard, they’ll still be kitted out in all the clobber, including goggles.

Mr & Mrs How-Did-I-End-Up Here

Their kids have flown the nest and they’ve finally treated themselves to a luxury week of good skiing, good fondue and even better wine. After a long day on the slopes, (they took their own grown-up packed lunch – I’m talking baguettes and kettle chips instead of a tot of fireball and a crushed ham butty) and are looking for a quiet Merlot on a sun terrace somewhere.

They’ve barely ordered their drinks when the the DJ hits the decks, house music starts blasting and the crowd goes fucking wild. See how long they keep up their polite conversation before they stop and just stare in horror at the scene before them.

Ye Da

Unlike the lost parents, ye da knows exactly how he ended up here. In fact, he’s actually been sitting at the bar since 1pm waiting for the fun to start. He might be nearly 60, but he still knows how to ‘hang with the young ones’ – or so he believes. Despite being surrounded by snow, he will 100% take his top off and swirl it round his head while trying to grind on the nearest barmaid at some point in the next two hours.

Lads! Lads! Lads!

And finally, what resort bar would be complete without the lads holiday? Everything is ‘top banter’ for the mountains’ answer to The Inbetweeners; whether it’s suicide shots at 9am, getting a chapped arse shredding down the mountain wearing nothing but a tutu, or getting so wasted at the après they knock it down their jacket on the way back down.

If you can’t see them dancing on the tables shouting “oiiiiiiiiiii fuck offffff” every time Avicii comes on, you’ll find them staggering round outside, with one ski on, chasing the other one down the slope. They might be a fucking pain in the arse, but you have to admit, they do know how to have a laugh.

Until next time… x

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