Scarlett Guides To Life…

The office Christmas party is the one time of year that you can let your hair down and actually try to enjoy the company of your colleagues. Which, with 95% of them at least, generally requires the help of a bottle of wine, 3 jagers and Mariah Carey’s ‘All I want for Christmas’ blasting out. The downside, of course, is all three of those things are likely to bring out that slut-dropping reprobate side of you, that you try keep hidden during office hours.

My best advice would be to avoid getting drunk, not to say anything inappropriate and, most importantly, not to have sex… with anyone.

Especially not your boss.

But we all know you’re going to ignore my advice, so let’s focus on some serious damage control from the moment you wake up…

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The first few minutes

If you’ve woken up in your own bed…

Firstly, congratulations on making it home in one piece! If you’ve woken up alone that’s even better, straight away the chances of an horribly awkward morning has dramatically decreased.

If you’ve woken up with someone in your bed then don’t fret… if it’s non-workmate, booty call that you rang post-3am, then we can deal with that later. Sneak into the shower and hope to god they’ve left before you get out – if they haven’t, rush around and pretend you’re late – they’ll soon get the hint.

If it’s a colleague then you’re on shakier ground, but remember that you have the home-field advantage.Laugh and offer them a cup of tea… but in a hurried way that makes it clear you want them to leave. Again, telling them you need to jump in the shower and get ready to go out is usually code for “time to go”, so I’d suggest doing that straight away, even if it means waiting for them to leave before you scramble out of the bath to throw up in the toilet.

If it’s the college intern, the situation requires a little more attention… but a grown up chat should do the trick, they’re unlikely to spread the word if they’re trying to make a good impression and a get a job at the end.

If you’ve woken up in someone else’s bed…

Whatever you do don’t just sneak out if you’ve woken up with one of your colleagues, you’re going to have to face them sooner or later and it’s much better to do so while you’re alone rather than in with the whole office as your audience. However awkward you feel, just try to be normal.

If you’ve woken up in the intern’s bed, again you need to approach the situation a bit more delicately. When I say delicately I mean both with your adult chat and your footing when sneaking out the house without waking their parents. Whatever you do,  don’t offer him/her a lift to work, nothing screams ‘we shagged’ than turning up at the office together. Instead, use the drive to work to reevaluate your poor life choices.

If you’ve woken up in your boss’s bed…

This is probably going to be a much more awkward conversation than if it were just ‘Dave from admin’, but on the bright side you’re in for at least a few weeks of favouritism and potentially a pay rise.

If it was the bed of your ‘straight’ boss of the same sex then that’s even better, you’re more than likely in for a spectacular pay rise, new office and even some of the posh post-it notes and colour printing rights.

If you’ve woken up in hospital…

You might have overdid it a bit last night. On the bright side you’re getting a day off work so happy fucking days!

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Analysing the situation

Find out what happened…

As scatty as the results may be, if you want to shed some light on the night before you’re going to have to check your phone for any clues. That includes who you sent any post-2am snapchats to. I can tell you right now from personal experience, there is nothing worse than that feeling of utter gut-wrenching horror you feel when you re-read your sent messages after a particular heavy one so, if you’re reading this in advance, I would recommend giving your phone to a sensible friend after 1am. Your camera roll will also be a great source of information, which is good news if you’re the owner… not so good news if you wake up to 104 photo tags on Facebook…

Bruises/Scars/Tattoos…

Disco bruises are key to finding out what happened the night before. Also, if you have someone else’s name suddenly tattooed onto your body I’d suggest that they’re your first port of call to fill in the details.

Damage Control

Face the music…

Whatever you’ve done, however hungover you feel you HAVE to go into the office on Monday. It’s a lot more difficult for people to spread rumours/bitch about you if you’re in the room and it also gives you the chance to give your side of the story. If you’ve trashed the office, thrown up over someone’s new dress or said something particularly offensive there’s nothing else you can do but apologise. A lot. And cough up for the dry cleaning bill.

Shift the blame…

Like I said, holding your hands up and saying “I’m sorry” is the best way to handle any  situation… but that doesn’t mean you can’t give yourself an excuse. ALWAYS claim that you were on antibiotics/haven’t drank in months rather than admit to downing a 1/4 bottle of vodka prior to arriving.

This is a last resort, but if you’ve done something particularly bad and are the sole source of conversation, it’s probably worth subtly reminding everyone of someone else’s embarrassing actions… yes it’s a sly move but this is a matter of survival – and you can bet they’d be doing the same if they were in your shoes.

Don’t beat yourself up

We’ve ALL been there, and you can guarantee that at the same time that you’re cringing over those flashbacks hundreds of other people across the country are doing the exact same thing. Within seven days someone else will have make a show of themselves and you’ll be old news… hopefully.

Until next time… x

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