Scarlett Guides To Life…

By Zoe Yak

Remember when you were a kid and you had your whole life planned out? You’d graduate from uni, walk into your dream job, buy a house and be married to the man of your dreams by 25. Oh, and he’d be an absolute stunner too – obviously.

In reality, your twenties are a lot of stumbling around, wondering what the fuck is going on and looking for something to eat. The good news is that nobody else your age knows what they’re doing – whatever age you are.

While I can’t help you with any of the other stuff twenty-somethings have to deal with, I can keep you calm about all romantic woes and worries. The average age in the UK to get married is now 32 meaning you’ve plenty of time to find someone who’ll always go to the shop for you when you’re hungover; even if you’re currently floating through your twenties so single you haven’t even got someone you can text when drunk.

So let’s take a look at all the man you’ll meet, love, hate fuck and be heartbroken by throughout your twenties before you meet the elusive ‘One’; the man you’ll be able to refer to as ‘my world’ on social media posts, emoji and everything.*

*But please don’t do that, I don’t care how happy you are.

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The First One

Let’s start right at the beginning, should we? Your childhood sweetheart.. If you’re lucky, he’ll be the one that takes your virginity as opposed to it being some lad from another school at a house party after a litre of Frosty Jacks. It’s all very cute and sweet and the break up will see plenty of tears, whether you did the dumping or not. But in years to come, you’ll have each other on Facebook, exchange pleasantries now and again and the days when he used to see you naked feel like a lifetime ago.

The One From Your Halls

If you haven’t yet experienced this rite-of-passage-relationship then, spoiler alert, it’s a lot of shit sex, lying in bed watching TV with him and smoking weed.

Yep, the sex you have throughout university will most likely be some of the worst you’ll experience throughout your life. The single beds, the inexperienced yet somehow really cock-sure lads, the cheap alcohol acting as social lubricant that precedes any shagging – it’s all a recipe for disaster. They’ll be one boy in particular that, despite your better judgement, you always go back to out of habit and in the years that come after you’ve flung that graduation cap in the air, you’ll cringe at every TimeHop that appears featuring your teenage self necking him.

Still, at least you got really good at smoking weed. Every (cannabis smoke) cloud eh?

The One That You Hate Fuck

You’re repulsed by his personality, the way he smirks makes your skin crawl and you’re pretty sure the feeling is mutual. So it’s hard to explain why he keeps ending up in your bed but such is the beauty of the Hate Fuck. Unlike your shags in Uni, this one will most likely result in you having an orgasm so enjoy it while it lasts. Yes, Hate Fucks have expiry dates – you eventually realise you can’t keep letting a man you suspect votes UKIP and is rude to waiting staff stick his penis in you much longer.

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The One You Work With

We all end up shitting where we eat one day; whether it’s a on off snog at the office Christmas party or a full blown long term affair with your boss, everyone will most likely be guilty of mixing business and pleasure at least once in their life.

It will end in tears because, well you don’t need me to explain all the reasons why, but hey, at least it gave Sandra-the-grass from accounts something to cheer her boring life up for a while.

The One That Breaks Your Heart

Let’s not dwell on this dickhead for too long eh? He bails and leaves you wondering if you will ever love again (you will), hours are wasted wondering what you did wrong (nothing) and getting upset about how much better the girl he left you for is (she isn’t). We all have to go through it at least once in our lives and you come out all the stronger for it; sometimes even with a little weight loss and a brand new hairstyle. It’s not all bad.

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The One You’re Mates With

He’s your best mate; the one you drink beer with after a bad date, the one you always know will be a fabulous ‘date’  if you’re single when wedding season rolls round and the one who you absolutely, categorically know is not The One.

But even though it’s 2016, male and female friendships can be tricky for people to get their head round. Loads of folk can’t understand two people of the opposite sex being mates and not having any romantic feelings towards each other. Mutual friends, family members and sometimes even stranger will ask when you’re going to get together and then one night, you eventually bow to peer pressure and it’s errm, weird. Less When Harry Met Sally and more When Vodka Met Bad Decision Making.

If you’re lucky, you’ll be able to laugh it off and go back to normal. If you’re really lucky, you might get an honest review of your bedroom skills from a mate. If you’re really, really lucky, you could even get a friends with benefits.

The One Whose Name You Can’t Remember

Was it Sam? I began with an S didn’t it? To be honest, you probably won’t have heard him over the music anyway when he introduced himself in the club earlier. By the time you’re necking on in the taxi on the way to his, neither of you really care about names and other boring formalities. Steven? Was it Steven? Shaun? Maybe he didn’t have a name?

Oh forget it. Just refer to him as Dave and be done with it. Good chance that was his name anyway.

The One Whose Heart You Break

This one sometimes hurts more than having your heart broken and if you disagree then you’re a heartless wench. It feels pretty shitty to know you’re hurting someone’s feelings but got to be cruel to be kind and all that.

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The One You Marry

Oooo controversial shout eh? I’m going throw a wild card into the mix and suggest that maybe the bloke you marry isn’t always The One?! Firstly, who the hell gets married in their twenties? Madness. It’s a decade to be getting twisted and ordering 50 tamagotchis** on eBay by accident; not stressing about seating plans and debating about the colour of table cloths that absolutely no one else will care about.

Divorces sound expensive and like a right ball ache to be honest so it’s a good job I never made this mistake as I’d probably be stuck in a loveless marriage right now due to chronic CBA.

**have actually done this. Throw one into everyone’s birthday present gift bag. Impossible to get rid of.

The One

Who knows what he’ll be like? I’ve got much lower expectations for life than I did as a kid (learnt my lesson, there) so all I ask is that he makes me laugh and takes the bins out. And, if i’m being really picky, he doesn’t used the winking-tongue-out emoji.

Until next time… x

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