Scarlett Guides To Life…

Nobody ever intends to be hungover in work; you tell yourself you’re meeting your mates for a bite to eat and maybe a small glass of wine. You even drive because you want to be home by half 10 at the latest – you’ve got work tomorrow, after all.

Four hours, two bottles of wine and some shots of something you vaguely remember as sambuca later, you’re spinning round the pole in Popworld, and your car’s been lashed in the nearest moody car park where it will remain. Indefinitely.

The next day is a special kind of hell that we’ve all lived through at some point. Here’s a break down of the five stages…

Stage One: Denial

7.45am: You wake up sprawled across the bed. For a few blissful minutes you forget you’ve been out the night before, until you realise you’re still wearing last night’s top… but there’s a pint of water near the bed so that’s a good sign.

Then the dry mouth kicks in. You take a swig of water from the glass. It turns out to be vodka. Oh well, despite that minor setback you actually feel pretty fresh.

Really fresh actually.

You lash Spotify on while you brush your teeth; smiling at yourself in the mirror as you remember how hilarious you were last night. And sexy. Life is sound, better than sound actually; life is dead good.

still drunk in the morning gif

Stage Two: Anger

10am: You’ve come to the horrible realisation that you were still drunk this morning. Your hangover has hit you like a bag of shit and you’re acutely aware of how much you hate people. And noise and light and not being horizontal.

You look down at your outfit; which smells like hangover because alcohol is leaking from every one of your pores. What the fuck are you wearing? You’re dressed like the sad human punchline of the terrible joke that is your life.

Why didn’t you just go home? Why did you do this to yourself. Why did your friends let you get those shots. You hate everything and everyone, particularly yourself.

everything hurts and I'm dying

Stage Three: Bargaining

12.30pm: You would literally sell your nan for a Maccies.

Not figuratively. Literally. You DGAF you’d sell her without a second thought.

You’ve spent the last two hours trying to figure out a way to get yourself sent home without anyone suspecting you went out last night. Which is ridiculous because half the office heard you vomiting loudly in the toilet about an hour ago, and the other half has had to listen to you groaning under your breath since 10am.

The two paracetamol you necked earlier have done absolutely nothing to tame the second heartbeat in your head and you’ve vowed to never, ever drink on a school night again.

hangover gifs

Stage Four: Depression

2pm: You made the horrible decision to spend your dinner going through your phone to see the damage from last night and now you’re genuinely hoping the building catches fire with you in it to put you out of your misery.

Your camera roll is full of toilet selfies that are only fit to line the walls of hell. Why did you text the Freak Me Baby song lyrics to your ex? What were those 12 Snapchats you sent to the fitty you fancy of? And why haven’t they been mentioned them since?

The 4000 calories of carbs you inhaled for Lunch have only added to your general state of tiredness and self-loathing. Everything is awful and it’ll probably never be OK again.

stages of a hangover funny blog

Stage Five: Acceptance

3.30pm: This is it. This is game over.

There’s no getting out of it, you’re stuck here until half 5. You’ve made such a holy show of yourself you know you can never leave the house again… which is absolutely fine because you plan to get into bed as soon as you get home and never leave.

You’ve already pre-ordered a Pizza to arrive at your house when you get home, because food is your only friend now. You’re clock watching so hard you’re sure the minutes have started going backwards.

You know you’ll never, ever do this to yourself again. Until next time… obviously.

cameron diaz hungover


Dealing with Valentine’s Day

Thumbnail image for Dealing with Valentine’s Day

The history of Valentine’s Day is one that’s complex, obscure and riddled with fanciful legends. The origin of 14th February’s festivities supposedly come from the ancient Roman festival of Lupercalia, a fertility celebration, and was […]

Read More

What your fella REALLY wants for Valentines Day

Thumbnail image for What your fella REALLY wants for Valentines Day

Contrary to popular belief, not every girl dreams of Valentine’s day from January 1st – some of us (guilty) still haven’t even thought about what to get their fella… I mean, it’s easier for lads though […]

Read More
Thumbnail image for What you actually need to pack for your snowboard holiday

What you actually need to pack for your snowboard holiday

The internet is full of really helpful specific guides on what to pack for your first ski or snowboarding holiday. In fact, if you use Pinterest in the way that it’s meant to be used […]

Read More

3 ways to swing a romantic Valentine’s Day at home

Thumbnail image for 3 ways to swing a romantic Valentine’s Day at home

If, like me, you want your Valentines day to be more about sex than set menus, you might want to swerve heading to a crowded restaurant in favour of a night in. But staying home […]

Read More

Back to the grind

Thumbnail image for Back to the grind

Working out is like changing your sheets; you dread doing it, then when you finally give in you spend the whole time sweating and hoping someone would just put you out of your misery… but […]

Read More