Nothing lets you know someone is prone to making bad life decisions better than a dodgy looking tattoo.
My favourite people all have a bit of ink that was designed after one too many vodkas, or the result of a visit to the tattoo shop post break up and in the middle of a questionable rebrand.
My first tattoo came about after meeting a Scouser in a bar in Ibiza. He had brought his tattoo machine on holiday with him (naturally) and I thought it was a good idea to nip back to his apartment, drunk, and get myself vintage swallow bird permanently marked onto my lower stomach. I then went on to smudge the damn thing when I jumped into the pool, again drunk, a few hours later.
I didn’t stop there and learn from my mistakes. Of course not. Like every other girl in her twenties, I also have a foot tattoo (Libertines lyrics, to make it even worse) and then there’s the awkward smiley face :/ stamped on me after a night of drinking and ending up in a kitchen in West Derby with my old pal from Ibiza and his trusty portable tattoo machine. Naturally, I quickly headed to City Tattoo removal for them to work their magic with those industrial, mega-fast tattoo removal lasers which might have been painful, but not as painful as living with explaining that one every time I take my clothes off!
So there’s absolutely no shade in my observations below. Take comfort in the fact that what my tattoos say about me is that I need to knock the drinking on the head and maybe visit licensed tattoo parlours instead.
The star tattoo
Had a little emo phase back in 2007 did we? You may have deleted your moody MySpace selfies, and no longer have a playlist that heavily features My Chemical Romance, but this little star tattoo is a lifelong reminder that you once rocked a pair of converse adorned with felt tip written lyrics all over them.
The barbed wire tattoo or Celtic bands around your arm
You’re in your 40’s.
Yes, while barbed wire tattoos may officially have meanings that include hope, faith and salvation, we all know that 99.9% of women with one around their arm headed down to the tattoo shop back in the 1990s a la Pammy Anderson and Mel C.
The infinity symbol tattoo
You don’t half love a Starbucks whilst wearing your ugg boots
The partner’s name as a tattoo
If you’ve not already, you’re likely to split up soon. Sorry. I really am. It’s just, the way the world works. Soul-mates don’t let soul-mates tattoo their name on their body.
The dreamcatcher tattoo
Omg you’re #sodeep. Bonus points if you got it while on a yoga holiday in Thailand.
The song lyrics tattoo
Like that extra round of shots at 4am, it seemed like a good idea at the time.
The girl with the lower back tattoo
Back in the early noughties, you just wanted a cute little fairy in a part of your body that you could cover up easily. You didn’t sign up for all the jokes about your promiscuity. That little bastard fairy doesn’t look as cute now.
A moustache tattoo on the finger
Oh you got all the laughs back in 2008, didn’t you? You were original, funny and everyone wanted to see ‘the bloke with the moustache tattoo’. Now, you can’t even hit 10 likes on Instagram with a selfie involving it. Cruel world.
The coordinates tattoo
You bitch about people with dates as tattoos and think you’re alternative and quirky when in reality, you’re just as basic as the girl with her kid’s date of birth stamped across her wrist.
A sleeve tattoo
I want to have sex with you.
Until next time… x