Relationships & Sex

They say that love is blind; well it better be, because – almost as if we didn’t have enough to worry about – it turns out that being in love is making us ugly.

To clarify; I don’t mean ugly in a metaphorical sense, like “since you got a fella you’re so unbearably patronising to single people that even your mates have a separate group chat from you”. No, I mean literally ugly. Troll like. Creature from the swamp.

Here’s why:

Relentless bloating

Why tho? Sure, it might be the pizza you inhaled post ‘cocktails and cock-tales’ with the girls on Friday, but it’s much easier to blame your fella. Seriously though, date nights can seriously fuck with your diet, and if your man is still spoiling your with three courses and a bottle of prosecco on the regular, chances are you’re feeling bloated AF.

What can I do? If sweatpants are all that fits you right now, try to cut down on the carbs on the non-date night days to balance things out. But if you’re not about the low-carb life, you can always drink a cup of fennel and mint tea each morning to help to keep the bloating at bay.

is butter a carb funny blog

Split ends

Why tho? Panic-brushing the shag tats out of your hair as you rush into work, 20 minutes late holding a Starbucks cup, after last night’s sexcapades is just asking for split ends.

What can I do? Keep a tangle tamer in your bag so you don’t have to desperately attempt to rag your fingers through your hair on the way to a meeting.

shag tats funny blog


Why tho? It’s not just the date night desserts that can wreak havoc with your skin, but whilst all that post-coital cuddling and laying on his chest might be cute, but it’s also sweaty AF and causes spots more than you think. And then there’s the cardinal sin that every girl in a new relationship has committed; sleeping in your make-up. Oh honey, no.

What can I do? Take your fucking make-up off. Seriously. If you’re that determined not to let him see you fresh-faced, then put a pack of face wipes next to the bed to take your slap off once you’ve turn the lights out, then sneak out of bed for a wee in the morning and lash some essential make-up on that you’ve planted in there the night before. And put face mask on once a week, face masks cure everything.

benfits of face mask

Panda eyes

Why tho: Let’s be frank, the sudden appearance of dark circles under your eyes isn’t because you and your fella have been sat up all night sharing your dreams. But whether your panda eyes are because you’ve been reenacting 50 shades or because he just won’t fucking stop snoring, they’re not the best look in the world.

What can I do? Obviously you could try actually getting some sleep, but where’s the fun in that? I’d recommend investing in some cooling eye gel and a crazy-good concealer.


Until next time… x

1 comment

How to get over your ex

Thumbnail image for How to get over your ex

Heartbreak is fucking awful, isn’t it. Even if the relationship was shitty, even if you were the one who ended it; the first few weeks after a break up are a timeless jumble of crying, vodka, […]

Read More

Crank Life

Thumbnail image for Crank Life

Dating in the 21st century is a dangerous sport. Apps like Tinder and Plenty of Fish have opened up a whole new sea (excuse the pun) of potential hook-ups and so, even though the odds […]

Read More
Thumbnail image for Miranda Hobbes: Relatable AF

Miranda Hobbes: Relatable AF

Once again I’ve found myself back in the Sex and the City box set syndicate, and once again I think Carrie Bradshaw is a dick. But this time around, the more I think about it, […]

Read More

The worst thing about office romances

Thumbnail image for The worst thing about office romances

We all know office romances are a bad idea, that information isn’t new. Some work out, of course. But 99.9% end up as an awkward groundhog day you can never escape. As they say, don’t […]

Read More

How to be maid of honour

Thumbnail image for How to be maid of honour

Dreadful news: your best mate is in love. Not only that, but she’s also deliriously happy about it and wants to throw a £15,000+ party to celebrate it. You can say goodbye to those cute ‘date night’ […]

Read More