June 12, 2015 in Category Fashion & Beauty,Scarlett Guides To Life...

Very important beauty secrets (from someone who has no idea what they’re doing)

There are thousands of wonderful beauty bloggers, YouTubers and Twitter-ers(?) out there that spend their spare time working thanklessly to provide the world with tips and tricks that might, one day if you really pay attention, help you to look half as good as they do.

I am not one of those bloggers.

Actually there was a brief period in 2011 where I considered starting a beauty channel on YouTube. I’d planned to get the ball rolling with a smokey-eye tutorial – which was and is ridiculous considering I’ve never been able to do a smokey-eye in my life. Nevertheless, un-phased, I went online to find a tutorial to teach me how to do a tutorial, (cementing my theory that the beauty blogging world is pretty much just Inception only with less hot men.)

So, after what I would describe as an experience – that involved a lot of sticking sellotape to my face and poking myself in the eye –  I, (brimming with pride) revealed my new look to my fella.

“Why do you look like one of the Incredibles?” he said. And with that my fleeting beauty-blogging dream had come to an end.

Which, in hindsight, has actually taken a lot of pressure off me to look good. Now when I show up to work with hair like a bird’s nest and that dreaded orange jawline, people don’t think, “fucking hell, she’s meant to be a beauty blogger”. Instead they, much more accurately, think “I bet she got wine-drunk watching Game of Thrones again last night.”

Anyway, I digress. The point I’m trying to make is that I am not a beauty blogger and anything I say on the subject should be widely discredited.

Nonetheless, today I’ve decided to share some of my most important beauty secrets. You are welcome.

evlgren 1

Eyelashes make you feel pretty

If you ask a child to make a picture look ‘pretty’ they will draw eyelashes on it. And, because my view of what’s attractive is very similar to that of a six year old, I like to wear false eyelashes as often as possible.

This means I have a debilitating fear of windy days and regularly think my bedroom floor is crawling with spiders… but my eyes look pretty.

Take your makeup off

Nothing guarantees spots and dry skin quite like leaving your make up on overnight. In an ideal world you’d cleanse, tone and moisturise every evening – but we don’t live in an ideal world and ain’t no bitch got time fo’ that. But the very least you owe your skin is a glancing blow with a makeup wipe before you get into bed.

Seriously girls; I don’t care how drunk you are or how hot the guy in bed next to you is, don’t you dare fall asleep before scrubbing your slap off.

Drink up

The best thing you will ever do for your skin and hair is hydrate it. Drinking  a good two litres of water a day will get rid of spots, dull hair and those horrible rough patches of skin that your make-up invariably gets congealed in.

Fake tan hides a multitude of sins

As someone who burns within twenty minutes of sitting in the sun and isn’t keen on the idea of skin cancer, I’d very much like to kiss the person who invented fake tan. On the mouth.

As well as making you look skinnier, fake tan is magic in that it helps to hide cellulite, stretch marks and the most upsetting of them all; corned beef legs. Plus you don’t have to use as many Instagram filters.

{bonus} Remove fake tan with a scouring pad

Anyone who’s ever worn fake tan will know that, sooner or later, you’re going to start to look scaly. At best you’ll look like your peeling… at worst you’ll look like you have some sort of hideous disfigurement. Whatever you do, do not cake more fake tan on the top, it’ll look terrible – the only thing you can do is to scrub it off. And it’s not going to be fun.

Try all the creams you like, (I have) but the only way to get rid of a decent spray tan is to scrub it off. With a scourer, nail brush or anything equally as painful. I’d set a good hour an a half aside for this; half an hour for the scrubbing and an hour for crouching at the bottom of the shower crying and vowing never to wear fake tan again.

Smile

Trust me, you look beautiful when you smile.

Until next time… x

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12 comments… read them below or add one

Gorilla Bananas May 13, 2014 at 8:59 pm

Are you sure about having a fake tan, Miss Scarlett. I’ve heard they give a lot of English women a weird orange hue. How about trying to maintain a natural peaches and cream complexion? And eating fruit instead of drinking all that water so you don’t want to have a pee every 30 minutes?

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Natalie May 14, 2014 at 2:48 am

LOVE it! Your posts always cheer my day up but especially loved this one! I’ma MASSIVE eyelashes fan, they definitely make you pretty but it’s a fine line between pretty and draggy.. I am still learning this… x

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Kris May 14, 2014 at 3:03 am

Priceless. I’m terrified of fake tans because I know that I’d screw it up even more than I do any other type of makeup. I say we one day paint each others’ faces and see what happens. 😛

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Lady Jewels Diva May 14, 2014 at 8:19 am

Don’t worry too much, beauty bloggers are a dime a dozen and all rather boring.

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kate May 14, 2014 at 8:43 am

Your dedication to helping us look our best is humbling. I, for one, thank you from the very bottom of my heart. Most days I look fairly desperate, and the improving weather means I will have to eventually ditch the jeans…Now I hope a generous slather of fake tan on my legs will at least deflect attention from my worn-out old fizzog. Wish me luck, I’m going in! X

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Ian May 14, 2014 at 9:23 am

Your last point is the best – well as far as I’m concerned anyway. I’m a sucker for a genuine smile, it’s cost me many a bottle of champagne mind but any woman can look beautiful with a beautiful smile :-)

I’ve heard sand blasting can be quite effective to remove fake tan, as can going down to the local jet wash………….

Cheers,
Ian

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Monica May 14, 2014 at 9:30 am

Just poured myself a big old pint of water after reading this!
I totally agree with the fake tan. I went to uni in Liverpool and learned a thing or two from scousers.
1. Fake tan (done well) makes you feel fab and also hides drunken bruises
2. Hair extensions should not be feared
3. The brighter the better when it comes to lippy
4. The bigger the better when it comes to hair

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Angry Wooderson May 14, 2014 at 2:19 pm

A girl I used to date made me watch “What Not to Wear” with Clinton Kelly and Stacy London. Every time they made someone over, there would be a makeup tutorial. I’ve watch the “smokey eye” taught some 50+ times, and still couldn’t explain it. Maybe that explains my social life. Girls see my eye makeup and think, “That dude needs a makeover… and a better sense of sexual identity.”

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Katie May 14, 2014 at 2:48 pm

I like the last one best 😀 <3

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snowbird May 14, 2014 at 7:57 pm

I love the last tip too! Now do you think I’m too old for false eyelashes???xxx

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abeerfortheshower May 19, 2014 at 4:41 pm

It’s okay, I’ve never been good at smokey-eye either. Mostly because I don’t know what this is. Is it like pink eye? Is it infectious?

And I’ll pass on the fake tan. I rather like not looking like a Jersey Shore reject.

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Paula May 20, 2014 at 10:05 pm

I’ve been informed by my sister that washing powder can help get rid of fake tan. I can’t remember the method though, sorry about that!

I am a massive MASSIVE sinner when it comes to the sleeping in make up thing. I’m trying to get better but there’s so much to do before bed already what with contact lens cleaning and teeth cleaning that it’s just such a HASSLE to add in taking off my make-up too. I mean, I’m just going to put it back on in the morning anyway…

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