Your relationship is making you ugly

They say that love is blind; well it better be, because – almost as if we didn’t have enough to worry about – it turns out that being in love is making us ugly.

To clarify; I don’t mean ugly in a metaphorical sense, like “since you got a fella you’re so unbearably patronising to single people that even your mates have a separate group chat from you”. No, I mean literally ugly. Troll like. Creature from the swamp.

Here’s why:

Relentless bloating

Why tho? Sure, it might be the pizza you inhaled post ‘cocktails and cock-tales’ with the girls on Friday, but it’s much easier to blame your fella. Seriously though, date nights can seriously fuck with your diet, and if your man is still spoiling your with three courses and a bottle of prosecco on the regular, chances are you’re feeling bloated AF.

What can I do? If sweatpants are all that fits you right now, try to cut down on the carbs on the non-date night days to balance things out. But if you’re not about the low-carb life, you can always drink a cup of fennel and mint tea each morning to help to keep the bloating at bay.

is butter a carb funny blog

Split ends

Why tho? Panic-brushing the shag tats out of your hair as you rush into work, 20 minutes late holding a Starbucks cup, after last night’s sexcapades is just asking for split ends.

What can I do? Keep a tangle tamer in your bag so you don’t have to desperately attempt to rag your fingers through your hair on the way to a meeting.

shag tats funny blog


Why tho? It’s not just the date night desserts that can wreak havoc with your skin, but whilst all that post-coital cuddling and laying on his chest might be cute, but it’s also sweaty AF and causes spots more than you think. And then there’s the cardinal sin that every girl in a new relationship has committed; sleeping in your make-up. Oh honey, no.

What can I do? Take your fucking make-up off. Seriously. If you’re that determined not to let him see you fresh-faced, then put a pack of face wipes next to the bed to take your slap off once you’ve turn the lights out, then sneak out of bed for a wee in the morning and lash some essential make-up on that you’ve planted in there the night before. And put face mask on once a week, face masks cure everything.

benfits of face mask

Panda eyes

Why tho: Let’s be frank, the sudden appearance of dark circles under your eyes isn’t because you and your fella have been sat up all night sharing your dreams. But whether your panda eyes are because you’ve been reenacting 50 shades or because he just won’t fucking stop snoring, they’re not the best look in the world.

What can I do? Obviously you could try actually getting some sleep, but where’s the fun in that? I’d recommend investing in some cooling eye gel and a crazy-good concealer.


Until next time… x

1 comment… read it below or add one

ShimonZ November 24, 2017 at 9:30 am

A masterpiece, Scarlet… and I read you just in time. I was thinking of getting remarried.


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