People I hate at the gym

I love the gym. It’s like my little sanctuary; the place I can just to escape for an hour a day. Where I don’t have to worry about looking like a troll, work, bills or anything else going on in my life. I can just put my music on, drown out the world and let my mind wander.

What I don’t love, is the other people at the gym.

I mean, it’s not that I hate people per se, it’s just that I do not want sweaty strangers near me. Ever.

So today I’m going to have a rant. Throw a wobbler. Toys out the pram. Fucking jumble sale.

Here are the people I hate at the gym.

The meathead

Generally found dominating the weight training area of the gym (meathead corner, testosterone complex, uncle steroid’s sweatbox)… but if he’s not visible immediately, just follow the completely outrageous grunting noises and you’ll find him in all his red-faced, sweaty glory.

This lad has guns, and fucking hell doesn’t he want everyone to know about it. If you don’t pay him attention within his first few reps he’ll grab a few more weights to throw around.

If you ignore his grunting for long enough he’ll bench press two pensioners whilst lying on a gym-ball doing sit ups. This is following a solid warm up of ten gym mirror selfies. 

The perfect girl

Also known as “that fit bird in the crop top”, this absolute Greek goddess was put on this earth for no other reason but to make you feel like a fucking goblin.

She’ll invariably be wearing the tiniest, figure hugging, brightly coloured top imaginable – that not only shows of her perfect washboard stomach, but also highlights her fantastic, natural tan. 

If she isn’t going at top speed on the cross trainer without breaking a sweat, she’ll be in the changies; moisturising her shiny  body for fucking absurd periods of time.

She will also smile sweetly at you as you walk past her, which is even more infuriating because she’s probably a really nice person too. Bitch

The creep

Not to be confused with the meathead, these people tend to save their unnatural noises for more intimate spaces; such as the steam room or a very small yoga class. They’ll wait until you’re trapped in the most confined area of the gym with them, before letting out a completely inappropriate, borderline sex noise to let everyone know exactly how much they’re enjoying themselves.

The WhatsApp group

Almost exclusively female, these gym-goers can be found travelling in flocks of two or three. They’ll have perfectly styled messy buns and on-point contouring that stays immaculate as they walk side-by-side on the treadmill for an hour. This leaves their hands free to WhatsApp their mates, post selfies and moan about their parents.

The exhibitionist

I can guarantee that you will never, at any point, see this person in the actual gym area.You will, however, find that they’re invariably in the changing room every time you are, walking around completely naked.

They’ll be there blow drying their hair, topless, when you rush into the shower. They’ll still be there, moisturising their completely bare arse-cheeks when you leave.

Usually middle aged. Usually never heard of a bikini wax. Always keen for a naked-gossip.

Until next time… x

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24 comments… read them below or add one

ShimonZ February 24, 2012 at 4:25 am

Thanks for an enjoyable read: I never get to the gym, so it’s good to hear what it’s like.

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plantdotty February 24, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Lol, love it. Justifies why I NEVER go!x

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Sondra Crane February 24, 2012 at 1:28 pm

I read this before I even had my morning coffee and laughed and started laughing the coffee still in my mouth spurted all over my computer. I used to go to the gym twice a week, and know exactly what you mean. This was great! going to sign up as one of your daily readers. You are so funny.

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Jenn February 24, 2012 at 1:53 pm

OMG!! I have encountered these people at the gym too!! My gosh, are we members of the same work out facility?? Oh Wait you’re across the pond there. So I guess not. Well– I go to the gym because my fat rear end needs me to–and although it doesn’t do my waste line a bit of good at this point…I still go so I don’t have to walk or run out in the ice and cold. Not that we’ve had much of that this winter–but until it hits 55F I’ll continue to go to the gym. Let the BBMers laugh at me all they want, I can still effectively kick their butts if needed :) LOL Great post!! Cheers, Jenn

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Stephanie February 24, 2012 at 2:07 pm

AAAHHH! I hate the exhibitionists!! Especially if you somehow mistakenly end up in a conversation with one of them!! Is there any other forum where it’s considered normal to talk to a naked person and not stare at them or shag them? I can’t think of any!

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Steven February 24, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Looks to me as if you’re paying too much attention to other people and not working out hard enough. ;) You know who pisses me off? The people who will sit at the one machine I need to use talking to their buddy. GET OUT OF MY WAY! I’M HERE TO WORK!

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Alison February 24, 2012 at 4:12 pm

I hate the gym and, like you, have joined a few times before and it ends up being too much of a chore to continue. It’s funny all the different stereotypes you get – like the vain gang of men lifting the big weights and checking themselves out in the mirror. The grunters are the worse and make me feel really uncomfortable – especially if they’re on the machine next to you!

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Tim Casey February 24, 2012 at 4:16 pm

The worst for me are the new year resolutionists, they show up every January with new gym clothes, gadgets, and a trainer. They are really in need of the gym not doubt, but my God, they don’t know the rules, they camp out on a single machine for half an hour, at peak usage times. They get in the way, are completely lost, panic stricken or oblivious. The good news they have all given up by mid February and the world is once again right.

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Ian February 24, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Still looking out for “The Watcher” addendum to this post……..you know who I’m talking about ;-)

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Susan February 25, 2012 at 12:16 am

I haven’t been to the gym in years because I always feel like I am being stared at by all of the people you’ve described above. How very astute you are in describing each type to a tee! Thanks for sharing!

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Fayla February 25, 2012 at 11:56 pm

Great observations! I don’t know how many exhibitionists you have come across but I swear it is an unwritten rule that you must be “older”

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Amberr Meadows February 26, 2012 at 6:39 am

I really don’t get the unnecessary grunts and groans. Very annoying. I hate the gym

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Laura February 26, 2012 at 11:49 am

At least you can be smug in the knowledge that they are all desperately insecure people inside, just like the rest of us!

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Erik February 27, 2012 at 1:21 am

What about me? You forgot me!!

The hopeless fat guy… sweating profusely after three minutes of walking… yet still shows up everyday. Basically just rtying to work off the previous evenings beer consumption… :-)

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Jeremy May 4, 2012 at 2:21 am

YES. I am glad I am not the only one who has documented these characters at the gym. I believe we share many of the same sentiments….

http://hypertheticallyspeaking.blogspot.com/2012/03/i-put-x-in-exercise.html

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Scarlett May 4, 2012 at 8:35 am

Haha It’s troubling to know they’re EVERYWHERE Jeremy! x

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Lizzy C November 26, 2012 at 10:25 pm

Amen to the BBMers and The Perfect Girls. They do my brain in! I don’t understand why girls who are size 6′s NEED to go to the gym. Are they planted there to spur me on?? Because it doesn’t work. I just go home and eat a bacon sandwich.

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Scarlett November 26, 2012 at 11:51 pm

I KNOW, I’m sure the gym plants them there to make us renew our contracts xx

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Jess Hardy November 26, 2012 at 10:43 pm

My boyfriend has had run ins with a male exhibitionist who always lifts his leg at inappropriate moments!!!!!!! Vomitus.

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Scarlett November 26, 2012 at 11:52 pm

Hahaha, your poor boyfriend xx

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Josh November 26, 2012 at 11:05 pm

How I giggle. And it’s all so true!

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Scarlett November 26, 2012 at 11:52 pm

Haha! It seems everyone has the same hatred! xx

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Katy Anders April 18, 2013 at 1:43 pm

This made me laugh.

I do my working out away from other people (ew, people!), but I know the types…

I walk by this small gym every time I do my walks around my neighborhood. They’ve gotten into the habit of blaring LMFAO’s “Sexy and I Know it.” Which is hysterical, really, hearing the phrase “I work out!” full-blast in front of a gym.

Some people are really into their workouts.

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Scarlett April 18, 2013 at 4:45 pm

Hahaha! I bet there’s some really instense body builder guy who sings along to the “I’m sexy and I know it” bit every time xx

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