Ramus the Transylvanian

My my my, haven’t I been quite the elusive blogger of late. I wish I could still blame the whole shambolic washing machine ordeal that happened last month, but I’d be lying if I told you I haven’t been lying on the couch in my pants, eating dry cereal and dreaming about my upcoming holiday to Spain.


So, where to start a blog post when you’ve been away for nearly two weeks? I could have written a highly relevant and important guide to the practice of FatBoothing your dogs or perhaps finally tell you all about the time I got chased and headbutted by a pregnant sheep, (soon, I promise.) But instead I’ve decided to ramble on about a completely humdrum conversation I had with my Nan yesterday…


So, yesterday I got a call off my little 83 year old Nan, but instead of the usual “are you on a diet, because it’s bikini season you know and you want to be able to squeeze that arse of yours into a nice one” remarks hidden among tales of how she managed to barter 30% off everything at Laura Ashley and how Eileen next door has been using a Brand new flash sales site called Hush Hush – this time shewho was worried that, I quote, “Ramus the Translyvanian is sending me pictures of him and his wife in their underwear on this here Facebook.”

Considering that it was only ten days ago that she rang to tell me she was concerned that the fern she bought for her garden last year might be “one of those marijuana trees” my first thought wasn’t so much “oh good god my Nan is getting sexually harassed by a Translyvanian swinger” but rather, “why does my Nan have Facebook?”

Just so you’ve got a bit of backstory; my little Nan bought a flat in Spain’s tourist ‘paradise’, Torrevieja, a few years back and Ramus the Translyvanian is their next door neighbour over there.

He is also Translyvanian, which you Oxbridge/Ivy League brainboxes out there may have already guessed – and his completel inability to speak English by no means gets in the way of him attempting lengthy conversations with you.

Last time I spoke to him, after fifteen minutes spent trying to say something in English he rushed inside and came back with a translation book, only to proudly announce, “the money-less man, he travels fast through the supermarket.” Which, incidentally, is a very good point.

Anyway, it turned out that my Uncle had set my dear little Nan up with a Facebook account, (which was a mistake in itself considering this is the woman who has never paused Sky+ because she “doesn’t want to annoy other households watching the same programme”and, as her only friend is Ramus the Translyvanian, she assumed his holiday pictures that came up on her News Feed were his way of giving her the glad eye.

So, my pretties, here’s to Ramus and many more Spanish holidays with his pearls of wisdom at the helm – and here’s to keeping 83 year old women away from the clutches of Facebook and the creeps that inhabit it.

Until next time… 

(…and I pinky promise next time will be much more often from now on.)

19 comments… read them below or add one

Gorilla Bananas June 3, 2013 at 12:10 pm

I think you should tell you nan that Ramus and his missus have invited her to a swingers’ party and they won’t be offended if she declines.


Scarlett June 3, 2013 at 2:28 pm

Haha, that’d make for an interesting wall post for him to explain to his family x


Jess @UsedYorkCity June 3, 2013 at 12:23 pm

Bahahah! Cutest story ever! And SO exciting about your upcoming trip to Spain!! Where will you be going? xx


Scarlett June 3, 2013 at 2:29 pm

Thanks Jess, we’re haded to Alicante just for a week of cocktails and sunshine! xx


abeerfortheshower June 3, 2013 at 1:22 pm

My grandma just turned 90 and doesn’t even own a computer. Or have a desire to own one. I’m okay with that.

Meanwhile, I’m horrified of the day that my parents decide it’ll be “cool” to have a Facebook account. Because it will never be cool. It just won’t.


Kris June 5, 2013 at 4:14 pm

I absolutely have to hear about this sheep story.

Your grandma is hilariously adorable and I love that you two discuss bikini season. Still, I think that maybe your uncle got her Facebook for exactly that reason just to kind of see what happens? Just never let her find out what Reddit is or the possible marijuana tree will be the least of her panics. 😛


Scarlett June 5, 2013 at 4:19 pm

Haha I swear I’ve lost actual days thanks to Reddit, and my mind will never be the same again xx


snowbird June 5, 2013 at 7:10 pm

I laughed out loud re Nan worrying about upsetting the neighbours! Brilliant stuff.xxxx


Scarlett June 6, 2013 at 7:28 am

She genuinely believes that if she pauses live TV everyone else will have to wait too – it’s adorable x


Kelly June 6, 2013 at 8:17 am

Hahaha your Nan sounds really cute and I would love to meet Ramus!


Scarlett June 6, 2013 at 8:20 am

She is, and Ramus is a right character! I’m sure I’ll have more stories about him when I get back this year x


Babs June 6, 2013 at 8:18 am

LOL your Nan sounds just like mine! x


Scarlett June 6, 2013 at 8:21 am

Ahh, does she think she might be growing drugs too lol? I love that generation of women, they’re so interesting xx


Leanne June 6, 2013 at 8:19 am

Ohhh I love it when old people get so confused about technology, although I’m sure that will be us in 40 years! xxx


Scarlett June 6, 2013 at 8:21 am

I know, I struggle already with the likes of Keek xx


Amy Vansant June 6, 2013 at 9:20 am

That’s hilarious.. except for the part where I am writing with envy because you’re going to Spain!


Scarlett June 6, 2013 at 8:27 pm

Ahhh, I’m sure I’ll come back with allsorts of stories about Ramus x


WeezaFish June 8, 2013 at 12:45 pm

Ha man that’s funny. LOVE the sound of your Nan. You watch her though, she’ll get herself into trouble :)


Scarlett June 10, 2013 at 8:53 am

Haha, she’s already a liability x


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