naked

So, thanks to the introduction of Cocktail Thursdays* into my life – and therefore the significant increase in my body’s sugar syrup levels I have joined the gym…

 …again.

 At first I couldn’t get enough of it… I felt healthier, more energetic and just pretty good about myself. But, as with anything, the honeymoon period has well and truly worn off and it’s become just another daily chore. Now my enthusiasm has wavered and I’ve been forced to spend an hour each day idiot people watching, I’ve begun to notice the specific “gym-goers” that inhabit the walls of this hell hole inspirational place to work-out… and resent them!

 So welcome to my rant The Scarlett Guide to the People You Hate Notice at the Gym!

  • The Gym Head

He can generally be found dominating the weight training area of the gym… but if he’s not visible immediately, just follow the completely outrageous grunting noises and you will find him in all his red-faced, sweaty glory.

This guy is strong… and my GOD doesn’t he want everyone to know about it. If you don’t pay him attention within his first few reps he will grab a few more weights to throw around.

If you ignore his grunting for long enough he will be bench pressing two people whilst simultaneously lying on a gym-ball doing sit ups before you know it. Not to mention taking sly gym-mirror selfies to make sure his whole Facebook friend list know exactly where he’s been.

  • The Perfect Girl

Also known as “crop top girl”, this greek goddess of a woman was put on this earth for no other reason but to make you feel bad about yourself. She can usually be found wearing the tiniest, figure hugging, brightly coloured top imaginable… that not only shows of her perfect washboard stomach, but also highlights her fantastic natural tan. 

If she isn’t going at top speed on the cross trainer without breaking a sweat, she will be in the changing rooms moisturising her shiny, shiny body for absurd periods of time.

She will also smile sweetly at you as you pass by her, which will make you hate her even more because she’s probably a really nice person too. Bitch.

  • The Inappropriate-Noise-Maker

Not to be confused with The Gym Head, these people tend to save their unnatural noises for more intimate spaces… such as the steam room, or a very small yoga class. They will wait until you’re in a the smallest, most confined area of the gym with them before letting out a completely inappropriate sex noise to let everyone know exactly how much they’re enjoying themselves.

  • The BBMers

Usually a specifically female species, these gym-goers can be found travelling in flocks of two or three. Not only have they arrived with their “hair done and their nails did” but they have a full face of make-up, and thus tend to to stick to walking on the running machine side-by-side so as not to mess up their “look”. The lack of effort throughout their workout also leaves their hands free to BBM their freinds, update their facebook status to “At the Gym *heart-heart-winkyface*” and scope out the various males… all whilst commenting on other gym-goers an talking about what they’re going to wear to the prom.

We usually hate these the most because they remind of of the days where our parents paid for our gym memberships too… and we could get away with calling people “babez”.

  • The Exhibitionist

I can guarantee that you will never, at any point, see this person in the gym… however somehow they are always conveniently in the changing room every time you are, walking around completely naked.

They’re there blow drying their hair topless when you rush into the shower… and are still there moisturising their completely bare arse-cheeks when you leave. My current favourite exhibitionist is a middle aged women who blow dries her hair next to me wearing just a swimming costume that she  semi-pulls down… just half-way… to reveal her alarmingly large breasts.

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