Tales of Muggery

If you follow me on Facebook, (thanks by the way) you may already know that a few weeks ago I was mugged. 

Nightmare.

Getting mugged is shit; along with having to sort out all of the official bits, (like cancelling debit cards, phone contracts etc)  you also have to deal with the fact that some horrible pikey and their mates are having a good old browse through your phone photos and  tweeting dirty messages to celebrities from your account.

Obvious inconveniences aside, my mugging experience was pretty uneventful. Besides Mr. Mugger having the audacity to look at me with pity as I handed over my empty purse and broken blackberry, and my hysterically running through town offering strangers a pound and a bus ticket to let me use their phone… there wasn’t an awful lot to write home about. However, I thought I’d take this opportunity to highlight the ridiculous ‘profession’ of mugging, by sharing two of my favourite “tales of muggery”…

The Pointless Muggery

A friend of mine was on his way home from work in the middle of the day, when two tracksuit-clad pikeys emerged from an alleyway demanding he give them all of his money. Rolling his eyes, he fished his £1.20 bus fare from his pocket and held it out to them ironically. Obviously unimpressed with his efforts and seeing he also had his debit card on him, they decided they would make him draw money out of a cash point for them

As they marched him (one in front and one behind, like the fucking lost boys) the 15 minutes to the nearest cash point, my mate tried to explain that he was at the bottom of his overdraft, and trying to get money out of his bank account would be like trying to get blood from a stone, but there was no reasoning with them.

When they finally got to the ATM, his balance – as promised – was -£1997.30… not even £3 left of his two grand overdraft. So, after a sufficiently awkward couple of minutes they left with nothing but his bus fare and self respect.

The Reasonable Muggery

After a heavy night out, my boyfriend was staggering home when two lads jumped out of a doorway brandishing a tazer. Although he’d just been paid, he managed to convince them that he only had £90 in his bank account, and standing next to him at a cashpoint with a weapon, was only going to get their faces on the CCTV camera above. Snatching the money from his hand, the two lads demanded he hand over his phone as well. Luckily, after a brief chat in which my boyfriend said, “Ahh come on lads, I need my phone”, the muggers agreed that taking it as well as his cash would be unreasonable, so off they went on their way, clicking their heels in excitement.

My still-drunk boyfriends then spent the rest of the night pissing off the entire police stations by hysterically laughing at the collection of mutants their “Mugshot 2000” software brought up… not to mention drunkenly creating the most futuristic weapon in the world after being asked to draw the tazer they threatened him with.

So there you have it; getting mugged is horrible, some muggers can be reasoned with and it’s true that if you’ve got nothing, you’ve got nothing to lose.

19 comments… read them below or add one

Liz November 19, 2012 at 9:24 pm

How deep and somewhat poetic…if you’ve got nothing, you’ve got nothing to lose.

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Scarlett November 19, 2012 at 10:13 pm

Ahh Thanksn Liz x

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Monica November 19, 2012 at 9:24 pm

Aw you poor thing. It’s great to hear that your mugging was uneventful and you weren’t hurt though!
Someone once attempted to mug me while I walked home (OK, staggered and swayed home) from a Saturday night out. Thankfully I was carrying a pair of 6inch heels and wacked the two guys across the head with them until someone noticed what was going on. I’m now convinced that heels are one of the best weapons a girl can have!

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Scarlett November 19, 2012 at 10:06 pm

Well done you for beating them off – I definitely agree that heels are a girls best weapon x

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Marina November 19, 2012 at 10:28 pm

I’ve got a good mugging story for you-though I think it might be more of a robbery. I worked at a school in the ghetto in the USA, and two jackasses marched into a teacher’s classroom before school one morning and held him at gunpoint. They got his wallet and phone, as well as a few of the high school kids phones (all sidekicks, I’m sure). They then ran out of the building, ran for one city street, then decided to stop in the convenience store for candy and cigarettes. Of course, it took two minutes for school security to find them there and have them arrested. Meanwhile the rest of us were stuck back at school on lockdown because everyone thought we were in the middle of a school shooting or something (though most of my morning students were regular wake n’ bakers, so I’m not sure they even noticed). I don’t miss that job…

Anyway, I’m sorry to hear you were mugged! It’s such bullshit, isn’t it? I’m glad you’re OK though!

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Scarlett November 20, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Oh my god that’s ridiculous!! Haha xxx

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Lady Daa Doo November 19, 2012 at 11:55 pm

How scarey to be mugged!!

I’ve often wondered what I would do if I was ever mugged. Would I argue with them or peacefully hand over my phone and purse? In my imagination I would be some wonder woman who would manage to outsmart the mugger, but in reality I know I would wee a little and hand over everything.

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Scarlett November 20, 2012 at 12:19 pm

I like to think I would stand up to them, but it all happened so quick (and I was holding my purse and phone so they just snatched it). I might have to go all Spiderman on them xx

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Scott - Quirky Travel Guy November 20, 2012 at 12:37 am

I’m amazed I haven’t been mugged yet with all the time I spend in cities. Although, my car was stolen once and set on fire another time, so hopefully I’ve fulfilled the crime quota!

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Scarlett November 20, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Haha, there’s still time Scott, gutted about your car – that’s pretty terrifying xx

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Beverley November 20, 2012 at 10:18 am

Fucking stupid pikeys, so glad you’re ok sweetheart xxx

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Scarlett November 20, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Thank you sweety xxxx

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snowbird November 20, 2012 at 7:07 pm

How awful that either of you were mugged!xxxxx

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Scarlett November 21, 2012 at 10:27 am

…and both in the same area would you believe. You’d think we’d learn from the other’s mistakes x

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CeCe November 21, 2012 at 2:31 am

Lol, I like the reasonable muggery and negotiating with the muggers about the phone.

We were mugged in Barcelona, and inside was a pack of Imodium. We joked saying we hoped the bastards took all the imodium and couldn’t poop for a week!

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Scarlett November 21, 2012 at 10:28 am

Haha! I hope they ate them like sweets! xx

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Arianwen November 25, 2012 at 8:40 pm

Haha. I love when you hear stories of people reasoning with muggers. I read a blog post where the guy got his SD card back, and enough money to pay the airport departure tax, and another friend got away with all her stuff because she pulled an innocent face and told the guy she was a primary school teacher!

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Scarlett November 26, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Haha that’s amazing!! xx

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Tom @ Waegook Tom November 30, 2012 at 4:25 pm

EURGH I don’t get muggers at ALL. I mean, why do it? WHY? Glad you’re ok, though!

Feeling sorry for the guy in the first story, I wonder what the conversation went like haha!

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